To The Monster Who Didn't Succeed
by deletrear
Summary: Getting caught in a supernatural blood fued with her love-struck twin sister is not necessarily Lisette Swan's idea of a great time... mostly because it's one gross understatement. This was fantastic.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** to the monster who didn't succeed

 **Summary:** Accidentally stumbling upon the conclusion that the Cullen's were vampires was in all honesty, way too easy. Even if Lisette wasn't actually serious when she accused them of being vampires. Now the werewolves... [Mild Crack Elements ft. Gay Girls]

 **Rating:** T

 **Disclaimer:** Disclaimed.

 **Warnings:** There's a lot of swearing. Also, Lisette is a lesbian. She thinks lesbian thoughts. It's rad.

 **Notes:** I'm not taking this seriously at all tbh. NOTHING about this is serious. Nothing. I found this in my wip folder and I'm so bored that I fixed it up a little bit and am now posting it. Why do I have so many Twilight fics on the back burner? I haven't even read the books. Peace.

.

* * *

01.

 **to the monster who didn't succeed**

 _The One Where Liz Needs To Be Introduced To A Brain-To-Mouth Filter_

…

* * *

 **F** orks was a lifeless, miserable, cold, rainy, soul-sucking blip of a town. That's probably why when Jessica asked, "So, how are you two liking Forks so far?" in her cheery voice, Lisette replied immediately and with zero hesitation:

"This place sucks."

Screw manners.

Jessica's smile faltered. "Uh, what?" She giggled. Offendedly. Offensively? Either way, it was a very offended giggle, "It can't be _all bad._ There has to be something you enjoy — "

"Not really." Lisette said tiredly. It had been a pretty majorly boring day, and after spending all her life in Arizona by this point she could be considered solar-powered. She was pretty sure Forks considered the sun a myth, judging by the constant cloud coverage they get. As soon as she was back at Charlie's, she planned on passing out on her bed until dinner, which, knowing her father, was going to be some sort of grilled red meat in front of the television.

Jessica's smile twitched again. "You don't think the people are okay, at least?"

"Volleyball was okay?"

" _Volleyball_ was — well, I'm glad you liked _something_ about Forks. Even if it isn't — "

Bella cleared her throat uncomfortably, smothering her smirk with her fist, and nodded her head in the direction of the doors.

"Who are they?"

A pale-skinned clique of god-like teenagers were gliding through them, faces blank and indifferent to the sudden influx of eyes watching them. It was all rather dramatic. Lisette could see only one member of the clique who didn't have someone on his arm. The youngest one, perhaps, and the broodiest too, maybe, judging by the look on his face.

Jessica was introducing them to Lisette and Bella; the Cullen-Hales, adopted siblings and all coupled up — sans, of course, Mr. Lonely, who was 'so out of everyone's league that we mere mortals aren't worthy to even _look upon_ him let alone _date_ him'. Yikes.

There was Alice Cullen, a pixie-looking girl attached to the arm of a man who definitely didn't want to be alive. His name was Jasper Hale, and he was a complete weirdo who Jessica flat-out didn't like despite his casual handsomeness. The leggy blonde with the murder eyes was Jasper's sister, Rosalie, and she had a grinning bear of a boyfriend by the name of Emmett, who had biceps bigger than Lisette's head. The broody one Bella was shooting starry-eyed looks at was Edward.

Lisette didn't have much to say on the subject of Edward.

Actually, she didn't have much to say on _any_ of the Cullen-Hales. If she had to pick, she'd say Rosalie was the most attractive—it was either the legs on her or the 'don't-fuck-with-me' aura she gave off—but altogether, they were just too pale for her. Like, everyone in Forks was white as untouched snow, but the Cullen-Hales were _freaky_ -white. Unusual-white. _Supernaturally_ -white.

It was unnerving _._

They didn't have red noses or cheeks from the cold and yet their lips were a pale purple. Jasper Hale rarely blinked or even breathed, and he sat like he had a pole up his ass like that didn't make his unsupported back uncomfortable at all. They had lunch that they didn't touch despite the long school day, and full cans of soda pushed to the side of their table, but their weight was average as if they didn't skip meals. Even _Emmett Cullen_ didn't touch his food despite his large body-builder physique.

It was weird. Totally, inexplicably strange.

"What do you think about them?" Bella said lowly, words meant only for the two of them.

"The Cullens?" Lisette clicked her tongue. "I'd put my life savings on them being vampires."

Bella snorted and shoved Lisette's shoulder. "A simple 'I don't like them' would have sufficed." Yeah, sure, except Lisette was only half-kidding. She laughed at Bella and knocked their shoulders together again.

Sagely, she said, "You say that now, but when they ambush you in a dark alley and eat you, _then_ you will realize."

"That's not funny," Bella said as she laughed, clearly finding it amusing at the very least. Liar. "God, Lizzy, you shouldn't go around accusing people of vampirism. What if it's an ancient family secret and you just outed them to the town? What if they're driven out by a mob because some vampire hunters are listening in to our conversation right now?"

"Does this mob have torches and pitchforks?"

"It's a mob, Lizzy. Of course they have torches and pitchforks." Bella looked aghast at the idea of a mob _without_ torches and pitchforks. She carried on, dipping her voice lower in doom, "What if they're listening right now and decide to get rid of the nosy teen age girl for knowing their dark secret?"

"This just in: _Sheriff's Daughter Tragically Dies In Suspicious Home Invasion After Publicly Declaring Cullen Family Vampires_. More at six."

"I would mourn you at your funeral," Bella told her solemnly, "In my eulogy, I'd be sure to mention Skeletor. May you two finally be reunited in the afterlife."

"I know you're just being a little shit but there isn't a day that goes by when my thoughts aren't plagued of that dog,"

Bella shrugged, "Well, _I_ hated that dog. I know you loved it like it was your own child but, honestly, it was the best day of my life when it died."

Lisette made an outraged noise that drew the attention of their lunch-mates. "Bella you godless heathen, how _dare you_."

"He slobbered everywhere! And peed where he didn't! And, _God,_ the _stink_ that followed the damned thing around."

"What are you two talking about?" Mike poked in to ask.

Lisette huffed. "Old dog that peed on Bella a lot. She holds a grudge against good ol' Skeletor, may he rest in peace."

"You named your dog _Skeletor_?"

Lisette refused to feel ashamed. "Bella named the cat He-Man."

"It was fitting." Bella sniffed. "They were archenemies. What else was I supposed to call her?"

"Whiskers?" Mike suggested.

"Socks?" Eric followed up, looking mildly amused.

"She-Ra." Said Ang…elica? Angelina? She… didn't talk much.

"She-Ra isn't as important as He-Man," Bella responded instantly. "I had no choice but to name her He-Man. Destiny compelled me."

"You could have always ignored destiny and decided to be normal," Jessica said primly. "Who even _is_ He-Man, anyway? I've never heard of him."

Now Bella looked awkward. "He's a, uh, the most powerful man in the universe."

It was clear that wasn't ringing any bells in Jessica's head. "He's _what?_ "

"'By the power of Greyskull, I have the power'? Battle Cat? She-Ra? Is this really not sounding familiar to you at all?" Now Bella looked stricken. "How can you not…" She swallowed and shook her head, looking awkward in a way only Bella could. "Never mind, it isn't that important. It's just a show we used to watch when we were little."

"Was it, like, a popular show?"

"Uh, no, not really. Barely anyone knows it. It isn't unusual that you haven't heard of it."

"Oh. Oh! That's good. I really thought there was something missing but now that I know you guys are the odd ones out, I feel loads better."

"Uh… that's great for you, Jessica." Bella shifted in her seat and turned to the rest of the people at the table. "So, how 'bout them Cullen's, huh?"

Lisette burrowed her head into her hands and tried not to choke on her laughter _._

* * *

 _..._

* * *

Lisette laid flat on her back with a pained look on her face as her twin sister sat beside her, ranting and raving about Edward _fucking_ Cullen.

"He's so _rude,_ I can't believe he would do that — you should have seen the attitude he was giving me, Lisette, it was like I'd gone and murdered his family in their beds and didn't bother washing my hands before deciding to sit next to him—and it isn't even like I had a _choice,_ sitting next to him, his was the only seat that wasn't taken, not that that's surprising anymore, if he acts like that with everyone who sits by him it's no wonder he's alone all the time. Oh, and did I mention how he blocked his nose when I say next to him? Like I _reeked?_ He wasn't even trying to be subtle about it either he has no consideration towards other people's feelings and I'm sick of it, I won't be sitting next to him ever again—oh _and another thing—_ "

Oh, God.

Another thing? There were still things _left?_ How?

Lisette sat up, dragged her hand down her face, and asked, "Do you want to go to the beach?"

Bella grinded to a stop. "Forks has a _beach_?"

"Probably not a very good one? But it definitely has a pebbly shore beside the sea. So."

"What, there isn't even sand? That isn't a beach. That's a poor imitation of a beach."

"Probably cold there."

"Where would the crabs be?"

"You wouldn't be able to sun tan."

"Beaches are for bikinis. Would I be able to wear a bikini there?"

"No. It's going to be as miserable there as it is everywhere else. So, you coming?"

Bella made a face. "Er, no thanks. Not on my life. Are _you_ going?"

"Since you're not?" Lisette asked for confirmation's sake. Bella frantically shook her head. Lisette rolled to her feet. "Then yes, I am going. I'm going wandering. I'm going to explore this dreary town and redecorate it into something habitable. I'm going to—"

"Have I really been talking that much?"

Trust Bella to understand why Lisette was running away.

Lisette grinned a bit. "You really have. For the past hour, all I've heard is 'Edward this!' and 'Edward that!'. Bells, I don't care about this guy. He's pretty. He's rude. His diet most likely consists of human blood and children. That's all I want to know; nothing else bothers me."

Bella nodded. "I get that. Sorry for, like, boring you, I guess."

"It's okay, you needed to vent. But maybe before you come to me with this problem again, warn me so I can get my Gameboy out."

"Fair." Bella nodded again, bottom lip sticking out as she pondered something. With an odd look on her face, she said, "You know, Edward has black eyes. Like, _unusually_ black eyes, it was like—"

" _No."_ Lisette interrupted immediately. "I don't care if his eyes are molten gold or a _shimmering blue like the ocean itself_ ," Bella raised a protest at the mention of 'that one time', but let Lisette continue, "We're not talking about this weirdo anymore. Yeah?"

"But what if—"

"Nope. Nothing. He is now and forever taboo in this household. Forget all about the rude pretty guy with a pseudo-incestuous family. Yeah? Agreed? Are we on the same page here?"

Instead of taking the easy way out, because God _forbid_ , Bella hummed and said, "It _is_ strange how all his siblings are dating each other, isn't it?"

Lisette sighed in relief. " _Yes,_ god, it's the weirdest thing I've ever seen." With that settled, she quickly changed into warmer clothes, pulling on a hat, gloves and even a scarf. Bella watched her dress with an amused expression on her face. Lisette whirled around and presented herself. "Do I look like I'm about to die of hypothermia?"

"You look like hypothermia's worst enemy," Bella promised sagely, grinning, "Also, passably adorable."

"Thank you, Isabella, you are a dear as always," Lisette shallowly bowed before fetching her bag and her phone off the charger. "Could you tell dad where I am if he gets home before I do? He'll probably freak otherwise."

"Or he won't notice at all until he needs something." Bella replied in a carefully even voice. Lisette shot her a look. Bella rolled her eyes and slouched a bit. "Or I could just tell him as soon as he walks in the door."

"Thanks. You sure you don't want to come?"

"It's cold _inside._ I don't want to imagine what it's like _outside._ Are you taking the truck?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Because you don't have your license and shouldn't be driving it?"

Lisette rolled her eyes. "Okay, do _you_ want to drive me to the beach then? Is that what you're offering?"

"... No. I don't want to hang out with Jessica or Angela, to be honest."

"Angela? Is that her name?" Lisette tugged on her shoes, jumping around the room. "I thought it was Angelina."

Bella said sweetly, "You are a horrible person."

"Still better than you, spawn of Satan," Lisette responded absently, looking around the green-schemed room, "Where's my lip gloss?"

"Have you checked your bag?"

"Of course I've checked my bag." Lisette hadn't checked her bag. She cleared her throat and snatched the keys up from the bedside table and stuffed them and her hands into her pockets. Bella watched her with an annoyingly knowing grin. Bitch. "Alright, I won't be long. Just checking out the scene. Who knows, maybe there'll be cute girls down there?"

"If you meet any polite boys down there, give them my number, would you?" Bella was, of course, joking, because Bella was too socially-awkward to finish any job that Lisette started for her. But occasionally she liked to pretend that she had the slightest idea how to navigate the social scene. "We're twins. They won't be able to tell the difference."

"They'll smell the difference, since apparently you have a very distinct stench that follows you around."

Bella huffed and threw herself onto the bed, glaring at the ceiling fixtures, "The nerve of him."

Lisette could tell she'd made a mistake bringing it up and decided now was as good a time as any to leave. Immediately. "Okay, I'll be back soon. Stay warm, love you!" She called as she descended the stairs. She heard Bella repeat the same words back to her as she scrambled out the door. The chill hit her instantly. Lisette couldn't see her visit to the beach going any better (read: warmer) but she resolved to go regardless. She loved the ocean. Regardless of whether the beach had pebbles of sand, she would be a regular there.

Still, it was fucking cold.

Lisette checked her balance on her phone and pursed her lips. She had seven dollars and thirty-three cents.

Enough for a fresh, hot five-dollar-burger at the diner.

She took a deep breath and pulled into the parking lot.

* * *

...

* * *

A couple of minutes later and with a burger hanging out of her mouth, Lisette's numb fingers fumbled with the truck keys stupidly. It was only expected when she dropped them. She took a bite of her burger, sighed, and bent over to pick them up when another hand, much paler than Lisette's, closed around the keys before hers could.

 _Very_ pale hands.

Oh.

...This wasn't going to be good.

"Are you alright?" A cool, melodious voice asked her as they both straightened up. Lisette was only half-surprised to see that Rosalie Hale was the owner of the beautiful voice, all long-legged and elaborately-tied scarf and—was that a _Lexus_? She drove a _Lexus?_ How was that possible? "You're the new girl, right? Rosalie Hale."

Lisette tore her eyes away from the beautiful car and turned them to the beautiful woman.

'Intimidatingly attractive' was not a phrase Lisette thought she would ever think. She had underestimated Forks.

"Uh… _heeeeeyyy_ , yeah, I know exactly who you are." Lisette said like the bumbling fool she was. Ouch, that was painful. She extended her hand, palm up, for the keys and instead got Rosalie's empty hand. Okay. Handshake it was, then. "I'm Lisette. Swan. Lisette Swan. Hi."

"Oh. I thought you were, uhh, Isabella, wasn't it?"

"Nope, that would be my darling sister."

"Twins? That's... cool." Something in the way Rosalie said the word 'cool' implied, at the very least, that it wasn't a word she used often, nor one that she used sincerely.

Lisette hummed noncommittally, rocking back on her heels. "Uh huh. Some people seem to think so." She looked over Rosalie's shoulder and couldn't see hide nor hair of any other members of her weird cult. There was no one in the car either. Lisette didn't know if that was strange or not but decided to think so anyway. "Anyway, thanks for the help. I suppose."

She held her hand out again, this time leaving no room for misinterpretation. She twinkled her fingers for the keys.

Rosalie's face pinched for a moment, a flash of irritation going through her eyes, which was the only thing that indicated to Lisette the _other_ emotion in her eyes—no, in her _body._ She was _projecting_ it. She was trying to seduce Lisette?

Okay, seduce was an uncharitable way to put it. Flirt with her, then? That sounded nicer.

...but _why?_

Rosalie dropped the keys in Lisette's hand. "Think nothing of it," She said, and yes, now that Lisette was aware, her voice _did_ have a sultry quality to it. _What even_. "Did you come out for a meal or were you learning the roads? I'd be happy to help."

"Uh, thanks for the offer, it's generous, but I'm good. This isn't the first time I've lived in Forks. Plus, you have things to do, probably, and La Push is on the other side of town. So." Lisette shrugged.

Rosalie wrinkled her nose. "La Push? That's a nice place, I suppose, though it is cold. Nothing like Arizona beaches."

"Every beach has an ocean which is about the only part of a beach I really care about, so the cold is okay. I've got warm clothes on."

"You _do_ look rather warm. I'm a bit jealous. I'm freezing all the time, especially my hands." Rosalie sighed like a woeful maiden stuck in a tower. Was she for real? Was she actually like this? "In this weather, I wonder if I'll ever feel life in them again, you know?"

Lisette didn't how to respond. "Life's overrated," She decided to say, before cringing, and shaking her head. Rosalie had frozen, eyes narrowed and something very near defensive in the set of her shoulders. Lisette didn't notice because Lisette was too busy _rambling_. "Well, actually, that's a lie, life has it's moment where it isn't, like, a complete shithole, like chicken burgers and flavoured tea and, I don't know, twin sisters—"

"Children," Rosalie said softly, in this painful and wistful voice, and Lisette had a split-second thought of _teenage-pregnancy-abortion-lost-her-baby?_ before she pushed it away _. None of your business, Swan_ , she thought sternly. "Marriage."

"First kisses are also pretty life-changing," Lisette said, thinking briefly on the first kiss she shared with a girl, and the way it lit a fire inside of her that couldn't be tamed. She paused. "Sorry, I forgot what I was saying. I ramble a lot."

Rosalie blinked. "We were talking about the cold. And how I'm always cold, too, I suppose, though that was less important—"

"Probably you're always cold because you're, like, definitely a vampire. Mystery solved." Lisette was one-hundred-percent joking, is the thing, but when Rosalie stopped breathing entirely and narrowed her eyes in suspicion and anger, Lisette realized, _holy shit, what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck?_ "Holy shit."

"If that's your idea of a joke—" Rosalie began tersely, a twitching smile on her face, and wow, _wow._

 _Huh?!_

"You seriously _are_?" Lisette cut in, blinking rapidly. What? _What_? Was this—surely this was a joke? If so, Rosalie was a good actor, because she seriously looked like she was about to rip Lisette's head off. While laughing. "What. The fuck. No way. Jesus, seriously? I was _kidding_."

Rosalie paused. Her eyes, which were _yellow,_ were wide. "So was I."

Look, a way out of this awkward conversation! Maybe if she were a little less ADHD, she would take it!

She wasn't a little less ADHD.

"Yeah, no, I'm the paragon of truth, I know when people lie to me. Consider it a gift. You're not lying—or at least, you _weren't_ , but _now_ you are. Is this a thing that a lot of people know?" Good going, genius _._

Rosalie's silence spoke for her. Lisette made a pained, high-pitched noise in her throat. "Did I just bust your family's secret and endanger you all because I'm an _idiot_?"

Rosalie's lips thinned. Lisette dragged her hand down her face. "I'm sorry. Please don't kill me, there are witnesses. At least wait until I'm alone, I guess."

"I'm not going to kill you." Rosalie sounded like she _wanted_ to so her words weren't exactly _reassuring_. "You're coming to my house for dinner. Tell whoever you need to tell, you're coming back with me."

"What, now? Right. Stupid question. Are you going to give me with shovel talk?"

"Who said anything about a shovel? There won't be anything left to bury when I'm done with you."

Lisette made a face. O-kay. "The truck?"

"Bring it. You'll follow my car." As if it was an afterthought, she continued to say, "And don't try to drive away. It won't work."

Lisette still wasn't convinced this wasn't an elaborate prank.

"Gotcha."

* * *

...

* * *

The Lexus made _a lot_ of sense when Lisette parked her beat-up truck in the driveway of the Cullen-Hale house.

She sighed.

What was going _on_.

She jumped out of her truck and blinked wonderingly at the doorway. It was empty before. It wasn't now. Alice, Jasper and an unfamiliar woman stood at the door with varying degrees of concern on their faces. Emmett stepped out of the small car that had been following Lisette, charmingly smiling in Lisette's direction before meeting Rosalie and winding his gigantic arm around her waist.

"She's here." Rosalie declared flatly before standing to the edge of the gathering. Alice clasped her hands together. Jasper looked uncomfortable, unsurprisingly enough. The unfamiliar woman smiled warmly and stepped forward.

Lisette made her way towards them. As if she could run.

"Hello, you must be Lisette, the Sheriff's daughter. I'm Esme."

Lisette didn't know what she was doing. "Hello." She said in a lacklustre way. She rubbed the back of her neck and tried again. "Sorry for accidentally stumbling upon your secret and endangering your family, Esme." Oh, Jesus.

What was _wrong with her?_

Esme had a twinkling laugh. Lisette flushed. "I won't say that it's okay, Lisette, but I know it isn't your fault. Alice has already filled me in on what happened."

"And how does Alice know what happened?"

Were vampires telepathic?

Rosalie rolled her eyes. Esme explained, "Alice can see the future. Decisions that people make. Not every vampire has a gift, but the ones that do are often quite extraordinary." Well, _yeah._ Seeing into the future _was_ 'quite extraordinary', wasn't it? What else was there?

"You're quite difficult to watch," Alice leaped forward with a smile on her face. "You're quite impulsive, you know, and you say and do things without thinking about them first. I only see what happens when people _make_ decisions, and you… well, you _don't_ _make_ many decisions at all."

"I have ADHD," Lisette blinked. "My mind moves too quickly for me to rely upon it to make decisions. Sorry."

"Oh, I know, Edward told me already," Alice dimpled at her. Lisette was confused again. Okay, not that she ever _stopped_ being confused, but it was louder. The confusion was louder. So were the birds in the trees, actually, and her own breathing. Vampires didn't breathe so it was only her breathing in the clearing. Unnerving. "It's okay. Whether I can see your future or not, I know for a fact that you're trustworthy! Anyone who cares about her family as much as you do _has_ to be a good person."

Lisette decided not to contest that statement despite the fact that it would be easy to. Might as well avoid throwing her head under the guillotine, right? "You can see Bella?"

"Yes, of course."

"Is she alright?"

Without missing a beat, Alice replied, "She's a bit bored without you there so she's going through your luggage. She's looking for something to watch."

Lisette's frown was thunderous. "If she touches my—"

Alice tilted her head, "You speak French?"

Lisette only had one French movie in her bag, and it was one of her favourite movies of all time. She sighed explosively and muttered, "She's touched _Le fils de l'épicier._ Of-fucking-course she's touched the _one movie I told her not to touch._ "

Bella was going to get it when Lisette came home. Okay, _if_ she ever went home. Chances of death were still high. Her apprehension and fear was suddenly smothered by a sense of peace. Now don't get her wrong, that would be cool except for the fact that Lisette had _never chilled out once in her life._

Lisette jolted. "Who the _hell was that_ —"

Jasper swallowed. "Sorry." He said gruffly, sounding like he hadn't had a cool glass of water for months. And considering he was a vampire, that was a concerning metaphor. "I thought it would help."

Lisette took a moment to let her mind race through possibilities. Then, she hesitantly said, "It's called… empathy, right? The emotion thing?"

Alice looked pleasantly surprised. "You're well-read, Lizzy!"

Lisette winced. "Lisette, please. Lizzy's for—"

"Bella, yes, I know, sorry for slipping. It's just, you let me call you that eventually and—"

"Er, yeah, look, it's okay. All is forgiven and… whatnot." Lisette sighed again. She felt like she was doing that a lot lately. "I'm actually really stressed right now so I have to ask before I suffer from a migraine: am I going to be dinner for y'all tonight? Because I have to say 'no thanks' to that."

Rosalie didn't huff, necessarily, since vampires didn't breathe but she sure looked like she wanted to. "Why would we bother talking to you if we were going to eat you?" She pressed. Alice made a sound of protest.

Lisette threw her hands in the air, "I don't know, to calm me down? Misdirection? It's a sound strategy!"

"We're vampires. We don't need strategy; we have super-speed."

"You do? How does that even work? The science doesn't check out—"

Alice giggled, eyes still chastising on Rosalie's aggressive form, "Our entire _lives_ aren't scientifically compatible, Lisette. You'd be better to not think about the details." Fat chance of that happening. Jasper made a groaning noise and looked away from her. "He's fine," Alice said literally just as Lisette opened her mouth.

Lisette closed her mouth. Lisette squinted her eyes. She opened her mouth. "Future thing?"

Alice _beamed._ "Future thing!"

"Right." _Well._ Bella was never going to believe this.

"Not at first," Alice started, and Lisette, in a moment of panic at the idea that maybe this little pixie actually was telepathic, made a high-pitched screeching noise. The vampires soon discovered a downside to having super-hearing in the proximity of a Swan with ADHD, because all of them were covering their ears as Lisette had a _breakdown._ "Oh, _oh,_ what's wrong—"

Lisette stopped kinda-screaming and just. Dropped to the ground. And buried her head in her knees. "Oh, holy hell. This is crazy. This is insane. Do you guys realize that? That your entire existence is... _really not sane?_ I mean—super-speed? Super-hearing? Telepathy?"

"It isn't telepathy—"

"It's close enough! What the fuck? You guys are dead. Like, you really died. Isn't that—"

"Yes," said Rosalie, terse, "It is."

"And you're _okay with that?_ "

Rosalie didn't reply. Esme, the vamp-mom, said, "There's no choice for us, Lisette. We are what we are. It's up to us to make of it what we will, to preserve our _sanity_ however we will. Preserve our _humanity._ None of us chose to exist in this implausible half-life, but exist we do, and with the presence of a family... sometimes, it's even an existence without regrets."

"—but you _eat people._ "

Rosalie's boyfriend shrugged. "Only the annoying ones," and then made an exaggerated, " _ow_ ," when Alice smacked him.

"We're vegetarians, I suppose you could call it," said Esme, still in that unnaturally musical tone. Lisette looked up at her. Esme's face was creased (or as much as an undead face _could_ be creased) in an expression of sympathy. And hurt. As if this was an argument that pained her to make. "We only drink the blood from animals. We don't hurt humans. You're safe from us."

Rosalie looked unhappy. Lisette couldn't blame her: she _had_ just accused them of being serial killer monsters with meaningless existences. "I'm being a bitch, aren't I?" The words were out of her mouth without her permission. Esme's eyes sparkled. Lisette cringed, muttered an apology, and extended her hand out to Esme. The angle was uncomfortable since Lisette was still sulking on the ground, but Esme didn't mention it.

Her hand was hard and cold. Her grip was impossibly gentle.

"Let's start over. Hi, I'm Lisette Swan. I'm seventeen, I moved here from Phoenix with my twin sister to be closer with my dad, and I have this chronic disease called _stupidity_ that makes it difficult for me to think before I speak. Nice to meet you?"

"Not stupidity," Alice sung from the background, and was ignored by everyone except Lisette, who sent her an uncertain glance.

Esme used her gentle grip to pull Lisette to her feet. "Esme Cullen. I'm older than I look, I travel a lot due to my job as an architect, and I am a vampire who is not interested in eating you. It's a pleasure to meet you."

Lisette grinned. Esme's closed-lip smile widened to show her straight white teeth—Lisette wasn't even threatened by them, it was awesome.

"Great. Now that that's over and done with," Emmett stomped forward, Rosalie falling in step beside him, and thrusted his hand in front of Lisette's face. Emmett's handshake was a lot less gentle than his mom's. She probably deserved that. "I'm Emmett, dunno if we've been introduced properly yet. You staying for dinner?"

"Not sure if our ideas of 'dinner' are—"

Emmett coughed and shook his head, "No, no, we're having a human dinner— _not like that_ ," he hastened to correct at the way Lisette's eyes bulged, "—we aren't eating anyone! Jesus! We've already hunted, we're full, okay? Esme heard you were coming over and got a bit enthusiastic, is what I meant to say. She has this entire Italian dinner ready for you inside. You're hungry, right?"

The five-dollar burger hadn't been enough to fill Lisette, so...

Lisette hummed. "Wait. Alice? You said you could watch Bella, right? Is it—I don't mean to pimp you out or anything—but can you check and see if she's still watching _Le fils de l'épicier_?"

Alice's laugh was literally the sounds of bells ringing and bluebirds chirping. "It's okay. She's still watching it. She has a bowl of extra-buttery popcorn in her lap. She's quite happy and warm where she is."

That traitor.

"Then yes," she said, turning to Emmett, and then to Esme, who was watching her with a concerning amount of maternal affection, "I'll stay for dinner. If that's okay with everyone?"

Rosalie made a very deliberate noise of disapproval. Emmett grinned and patted her on the back, forcing Lisette's bones to rearrange themselves to avoid being crushed. Right. Got it. She was still on thin ice for her last comment. Esme and Alice, though—they look overjoyed at Lisette's words. Jasper, predictably, continued his impression of a log and didn't make a single movement. Lisette decided to just leave him be.

"That would be wonderful," Esme lead her into the house, where Lisette could smell a feast _._ Oh, man. She wasn't _that_ hungry. "I hope you like agnolotti with roasted pumpkin?"

Lisette shrugged. "I'll eat anything once."

At that, the vampires-that-didn't-hate-her laughed like she'd said something terribly funny. Confused, Lisette laughed with them, and tried vigilantly to banish any lingering thoughts of, _holy crap they're leading me into their dungeon to kill me_. Because that was rude and untrue and _rude_ ; Lisette had been raised better than those thoughts.

(She messaged Bella anyway. _'At the Cullen's house (I know, right?) I'll b back 6. If I'm not, make sure my coffin is pink. Love you. x.'_ )

Couldn't be too safe, right?

.

* * *

Throw roses into the abyss and say:  
'Here is my thanks  
to the monster who didn't succeed  
in swallowing me alive.'


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** to the monster who didn't succeed

 **Summary:** Accidentally stumbling upon the conclusion that the Cullen's were vampires was—in all honesty—too easy. Even if Lisette wasn't actually serious when she accused them of being vampires. The werewolves Lisette didn't see coming. Because Forks sucked that way. [OC. WLW. Crackfic asf.]

 **Rating:** T

 **Disclaimer:** Disclaimed.

 **Warnings:** NONEEEEE **.** Unless you're a homophobe. Lisette remains a lesbian who thinks lesbian thoughts. Homophobes Do Not Interact.

 **Notes:** I still haven't read the books and this still isn't a serious piece of fanfiction. Whaddup!

.

* * *

02.

 **to the monster who didn't succeed**

 _The One Where Liz Comes To Terms With New Undead Aspects Of Her Life_

…

* * *

 **R** eturning home after discovering that vampires were not only a real part of the world, but a fixture in _Lisette's_ part of the world, was disconcertingly easy. It seemed wrong. _Vampires were a thing_ and Lisette felt that should be a bit more ground-shaking than it was proving to be. Not that she _wanted_ the anxiety that came with realizing you know jack shit about the world around you, buuuut…

Well. She was a teenager without any particular aspiration for the future. Taxes and vampires were on the same level of 'I-can't-believe-I-actually-have-to-deal-with-this-shit' type unreality. Something was off about that.

Except taxes were worse. Not debatable. If Lisette had to choose between bloodsucking-monster and taxes, she would choose the leech. She wasn't really a huge fan of "mathematics". Or "concentration". Or "sitting still and paying attention to what the teacher is saying, Miss Swan". It was just— totally _ugh_ , you know? Not worth it.

Wait, what was she talking about?

Lisette took in her surroundings: Couch. Popcorn. Television. Father. Sister. Home.

Maaaaybe it was time to get out of her head. Just for a break.

"Are we watching The Game?" She asked, trying to make it seem like she knew what was happening, which was difficult, considering she didn't have the first clue of what was happening. Bella gave her a flat look. Okay, so that was a big fat 'NO' to fooling the perceptive twin sister.

But what about the father?

"Yup," said Charlie, cutting his steak. He had his plate of dinner balanced on his lap. He was expertly dividing his attention between The Game and his steak. He was a master at this. Clearly, he had a lot of practice.

Lisette snuck a glance at Bella to see if this multi-tasking was hereditary.

She had steak juice on her shirt, under her fingernails, and a spot on her chin.

How could one person be so _clumsy?_

Lisette looked at her lap. There was a full plate just… sitting there. Like it lived there. Paid rent. Did its fair share of the chores around this place. Lazy scumbag. "Has this been here the entire time?" She cut into it. Cooked to perfection. She says as much to her dad. "This is cooked to perfection."

"It's the only thing he knows how to cook. He should know how to cook it well."

Typical Bella response.

Charlie sighed. "Thanks, Liz." Lisette flashed him a peace sign. Judging by the look on his grizzly Dad face, he didn't understand what it meant at all, and didn't try to. He simply went back to watching The Game on the television. Lisette was forced to acknowledge that _maybe_ she had been hyperfocusing on the vampire-issue.

The issue she wasn't supposed to be hyperfocusing on.

Okay, so maybe the revelation _had_ been impactful after all.

… The steak was cold.

Lisette stood up. "Well, this game has been thrilling, but I need to not be here! Thank you for dinner, father mine," Charlie nodded, stoic and majestic, "Bella! You also need to not be here! Actually, you should be somewhere else. Like my room. We can be there together. As in—"

"Yeah, I got you," Bella interrupted, looking pleased for the excuse to stop staring blankly at The Game. Bella's blank staring at The Game was much less interested than Charlie's blank staring. "Is something wrong?"

Charlie's Dad ears seemed to perk.

Lisette said, "It's girl stuff," and put her hands on her stomach, groaning. "It's my time of the month and I need to ta—"

"You can do that upstairs," Charlie's mustache seemed to curl in on itself. "I'll handle the dishes."

"Wow. Thank you so much, Daddy-O! You're so sweet. Wow!" Lisette put her plate on the bench, planted a wet one of Charlie's cheek, and dragged Bella by the wrist up to her room. Where Bella's room was purple and Indie (or whatever she called it) with all those fairy lights and useless heavy curtains, Lisette's was lighter, cluttered, and covered in rainbow memorabilia.

The conversation with Charlie where she told him she was gay was kind of uneventful. It'd gone something like:

"Do you have any… crushes? Boyfriend that I should know about?"

"I'm a lesbian."

"Oh. ...Girlfriend, then?"

"No. I'm a _lonely_ lesbian."

Followed by some bemoaning about the fact that Lisette was full of romantic love and no one to give it to.

For all intents and purposes, Charlie had taken the news well, if not awkwardly. Considering Charlie took everything awkwardly — seriously, he and Bella couldn't be more similar in that aspect — it was the best possible outcome. Plus, he bought her a giant polyester rainbow flag, rainbows badges, rainbow patches, and general 'OUT AND PROUD' merchandise for her to plaster on her walls.

It was pretty sweet.

Bella flopped down on Lisette's patchwork-but-mostly-pink quilt (gift from their mom, who was _the best_ by the way) and grunted. "What's up?"

Lisette slammed the door behind her and locked it. (The lock she had achieved by asking what she was supposed to do if she brought back her girlfriend, at which point Charlie had installed a lock, because Charlie was the best, if not, again, a little awkward). She clasped her hands together in front of her face and announced, with all the melodrama she could muster:

"The Cullen's are vampires!" _Sorry, Rosalie_ , Lisette thought passingly. "God. The prettiest girl I have ever seen is going to kill me for saying so. But you're my twin sister and I love you slightly more than I value integrity, so I'm telling you anyway."

Bella groaned, not as moved as she should be. "Come on, Liz. Seriously, what's wrong?"

Lisette touched her chest in offense. "I _am_ being serious! The Cullen's are vampires! Immortal creatures of the night who prey on blood and shine in the sun!"

"Vampires burn in the sun. At least get your lore right."

" _You_ get your lore right! Between the two of us, which one has actually met a vampire family? As in a family full of vampires? Huh? _Me!_ "

"If the Cullen's are vampires, why do they go to school?" Bella asked, sounding quite finished with the conversation.

Lisette paused. "I… didn't ask. It wasn't — I was busy making sure I wasn't about to be eaten by them! The vampires!" She exclaimed, leaping onto the bed beside her sister. Bella's eyes were closed. She looked prepared to fall asleep if Lisette didn't entertain her soon.

As if _vampires_ weren't enough.

Apparently not?

Bella fake-snored. Lisette hit her shoulder. "Ow! Liz, what the hell?"

"Take me serious!"

" _Be_ serious— _stop hitting me_."

"No!" Said Lisette, hitting her again. Bella irately caught her wrist, so she had to use her other hand to beat Bella into submission. "We go to school with vampires! I just had lunch with vampires! Vampires can _read our minds_ and _see the future_ like That's So Raven but with more blood and you're trying to go to sleep?"

Bella groaned lightly and covered her face with her hands. "Arizona never had vampires."

"Arizona has too much sun for vampires. Not for me. Arizona had the perfect amount of sun for me. I miss Arizona… but that's not the point! The point is—"

Bella finished, voice flat, "—vampires?"

"Vampires!"

Bella nodded in understanding. "Vampires." Lisette sighed in relief, about to open her mouth and ramble about how glad she was that Bella was getting the damn point without Lisette having to introduce her to the actual vampires in question, when Bella lurched to her feet and went, "Right. I'm off to bed. Good night, Liz."

And then she fucking _left the room_.

Lisette threw herself face down into the bed and screamed.

Bella was such a _cow._

* * *

And then, of course, the cow had to go and nearly get herself crushed by a van.

* * *

Bella sat unharmed in a hospital bed with her twin sister attached like a sore to her side. Bella was not entirely convinced of the merits of "physical contact" but endured it, as she had almost died today, which was something everyone seemed intent on reminding her of. As if Bella had forgotten. But she hadn't actually died, so, overall? Pretty solid day.

"Edward saved me today," Bella informed Charlie, then Dr. Cullen, then, finally, Lisette. "He — just before the van could hit me, he… stopped it."

Lisette made a noise that could pass for an 'I-told-you-so' in a pre-language society. "Seems about right. He _is_ a vampire. Superspeed and stuff."

Bella dragged her hand down her face. "He… was too fast."

"What did I just say? Superspeed. _Super. Speed._ "

"...But… vampire?"

"Keep your voice down, you animal," Lisette huffed, her nose still pressed into the side of Bella's neck, her arms still iron bands around her waist. Their legs were tangled together on the bed. Lisette was such an octopus. The world's most inconsiderate octopus... because Bella _wasn't a fan of hugs._ "It's supposed to be a secret."

"You told me."

"You're my twin. It was practically the same as talking to a mirror to hype myself up."

Bella thought that Lisette had the better half of the deal then. Bella wasn't great at hyping others, but Lisette was no help _at all_. "That's a crappy loophole. You're going to be murdered."

"By vampires," said Lisette, and Bella realized, with a disorienting feeling like the rug had been pulled out from under her, that her sister was being _serious._

"Holy _shit_ ," The older sister swore, burying her head in her hands. "My lab partner is a _vampire_."

"I know," said Lisette, markedly more enthusiastic, "isn't it crazy?"

* * *

"It was an adrenaline rush. You can google it."

 _Adrenaline rush?_

Was Bella supposed to be moronic enough to fall for that? Like… seriously? Was she?

She scoffed and made a beeline for some mulch. An excursion that focused on compost was about as boring as could be expected, since it was just dirt and it was hard to be engaged about that, but seeing as this was Forks, Bella's expectations weren't exactly high in the first place. Plus, in comparison with Edward Cullen's face, the fertilizer was winning in a competition of 'who could disgust Bella the _least?'_

"Liz already told me. You could at least try and make your lies convincing."

Edward stopped breathing in her ear. Why was he so close anyways? Bella pushed him back with her shoulder; his skin didn't give under her at all, rock hard in a way that was less because of body building and more because he was a walking corpse that survived on a diet of blood.

(What _was_ this town?)

"Your sister told you?" He hissed. "That wasn't her secret to tell—"

"She's my twin," Bella scoffed. "Of course she was going to tell me. She won't tell anyone _else_ , but if your family seriously thought she wouldn't blab to me as soon as possible, you guys aren't that perceptive."

She watched a worm repeatedly throw itself into a piece of wood and imagined it was Edward.

The very same Edward who was _still too close to her._ Whatever. If he wouldn't leave, Bella would. She had legs. She could very well use them to put distance between the her and the blood-sucking dead guy at her back.

"If you regret saving my life so much, why did you do it in the first place?" She called back at him, rolling her eyes. "It would have been easier for you if you'd let the van hit me." At that, an ice-cold hand darted out and wrapped around her bicep, tight enough to bruise. Bella yelped, pulled to a complete stop, and turned around.

Edward looked at her with hooded, dark eyes — still impossibly golden, despite the dark promise lingering in there. He looked furious, dangerous, and with the supernatural grip he had on her, Bella was helpless but to feel a sharp spike of fear. Her heartbeat pounded.

Edward said lowly, "You think I regret saving your life?"

Bella swallowed, unsure of what to think.

The fingers loosened. Bella wanted to shake him off but found her muscles too stiff for movement. Edward released her, his stone fingers caressing her arm as if in apology, although he didn't offer one verbally. Instead, he muttered, "We shouldn't talk. I'll hurt you."

 _You just did,_ snarked a voice in the back of her head that sounded much too similar to Lisette.

And where was Lisette, anyway?

Bella's eyes darted around. Lisette was with Angela and Jessica, laughing about something or another. She was absorbed in her conversation, her body animated as always, her laugh too loud and her hands flinging out carelessly. She was doing her level best to become a hazard to everyone around her.

"You should have thought about that before you decided to talk to me," Bella said, taking a pointed step back from him. Edward continued staring blankly at her. Bella gritted her teeth. Well, if he wasn't going to leave, she guessed that meant he wanted to stay. Which was _so. annoying._ "Look, what do you want from me? Why did you save me?"

Edward blinked, throat working. He seemed to start and stop a dozen different sentences before finally settling on, "It… doesn't matter."

All that deliberation and _that_ was the best he could do? It _doesn't matter?_

"Great. Fantastic. If we're done here—"

"Wait."

Bella whipped around. " _What?_ Could you just _get to the point_ —"

"You're… special," He admitted, sounding as if the words were forced out of him. Bella crossed her arms. Again. "There is something about you… I can't… I can't seem to stay away. There's a part of you that I—I can't ignore you. I feel like I have to be close to you."

However strained the delivery, the words were flattering, as was the sentiment; there was a blooming warmth in Bella's stomach, and she felt the blood rush to her cheeks. Edward turned away from her, nostrils flaring, and her arms dropped from their defensive crossed position.

Something special, huh?

"That's not just a vampire thing, is it?" Bella smiled. He didn't reply, still staring determinedly away from her. She took it as evidence of his embarrassment, and considered it all the more endearing. "Look… if you wanna be friends with me so much, fine. We'll be friends. You don't have to make such a production out of it." He turned to her with surprised eyes. "What, we can't be the first human-vampire friendship in all of history?"

That coached a smile out of him.

"The blood-sucking thing usually makes them uncomfortable,"

"I'm not like other humans," Bella announced proudly, "I'm Lisette's older sister. Trust me, I've survived a lot worse than _vampires_."

* * *

She hadn't.

* * *

Jacob hammered away at the dent in their ugly-as-shit pick-up truck to little success.

"It doesn't wanna leave," was his expert verdict, rubbing his frozen hands together and standing from his crouch. "Guess the dent's here to stay, unless you find someone stronger than me to hammer it out. And I'm pretty strong," He grinned, flexing his not-all-that-impressive arms, "Arguably the strongest person you girls know."

"Arguably," said Bella without elaborating. She sighed, patting the truck. "Sorry, guess the battle wound is here to stay."

"Battle wounds are cool,"

"Hear that, truck? Jacob says battle wounds are 'cool'."

Jacob blushed. "Well, they _are_." Bella chuckled and went off inside to get them some warm drinks. She slipped about three steps into her task; Lisette was too busy laughing to help, so Jacob had to pull her to her feet. He stared longingly at her bruised butt as she entered the house.

He sighed.

Lisette caught her breath and wiped her nose. "You're so sad to watch, Jake,"

He groaned.

"Lisette, can you not?"

"I cannot 'not'. Just ask her out."

Jacob bowed his head. "I… couldn't. It would make things awkward between us. And there's no way she'd say yes to me."

"You're completely right," she agreed, "but still, you should ask. While I'm watching, preferably. With a bowl of popcorn."

Jacob scowled and threw a bolt at her head. Lisette laughed and dodged it (barely), cooing at the younger boy. "Aww, did I hurt the wittle puppy's fweelings? Yes I did, yes I did— stop throwing things at me, kid!"

"It's a one — year — age — difference!" Jacob hissed, throwing bolts at her between breaths. Lisette dodged all but one, which nailed her right in the cheek. "Can you quit it? God, you're worse than Rachel."

Lisette's eyes might have gone soppy at the mention of her. "And how is your sister, by the way?"

Jacob scowled. "Fine. She still has a boyfriend."

"For _now_."

"You're way too young for her,"

"Hey, I'll age."

"Gross."

"It's true _love_ , Jake. Maybe you'll understand when you're older—" He pelts a bolt at her, only it sails over her head. Lisette hmphs. "Better fetch it, Jake, 'cause I'm not."

Jacob's scowl was really something to behold. "You're my _least_ favourite sister."

"Not the first time I've heard that!" Lisette called after him as he ran off to find the tiny bolt among the uncut grass. Bella shuffled out with three mugs of steaming hot chocolate. Lisette accepted her bounty gratefully, burning her mouth on the chocolatey goodness.

Bella put Jacob's cup on the truck and sipped at hers. "What's he doing?"

"Pretending he doesn't have a humongous crush on you," Replied Lisette promptly. "He isn't doing too well. He's doing terrible, actually. It's totally embarrassing. Also, he threw something small at my head and it missed me so now he has to find it, hey, want to go to the beach?"

Bella loudly slurped, pretending that she wasn't disturbed by this revelation the same way Jacob was pretending he didn't have a crush, and doing just about as well. "...Sure. We shouldn't call it a beach, though. It's an insult."

"Can I invite Angela?"

"She'll invite Jessica."

"I don't mind Jessica."

"You think Jessica is pretty. You don't actually like Jessica."

Lisette yelped, "I do _so_ like Jessica! I think she's wonderful! Her heart is full of love and compassion!"

"You're a useless lesbian, Liz," She said. Lisette coughed and spilled about half of the contents of her cup on herself. Bella sighed, because really? Did she have to do that every time she had a hot chocolate? "Invite Angela if you want. When you get sick of Jessica, I hope you know that I'm thinking, 'I told you so'—"

"Oh, come on. You can't judge me for liking a pretty girl just because she's pretty when _you're_ hanging around with _Edward_. He has the personality of a cardboard box left out in a week-long thunderstorm. He's _soggy._ That possibly-a-demon lemon boy is no Alice, I'm telling you—"

Jacob trudged back to them, stealing Lisette's cup and draining it with an aura of smugness before he waltzed over to the toolbox, returned the recovered bolt, and grabbed his cup from the hood of the pick-up. He took a few seconds to drink before sighing. "What about Alice?"

"We're discussing Edward's weird fascination with Bella,"

"Liz, can you not shut up for one second?"

"Nope!"

"Wait, Edward Cullen?" Jacob wrinkled his nose. "Ugh. Creep."

Lisette thrust her hand out to Jacob, a look of 'SEE?!' on her face. Bella frowned. "You know him?"

"There's bad blood there," was Jacob's response. If he was aware of the god tier pun he had just made pertaining to Edward's mortality problem, he certainly didn't brag about it. He just sipped louder. "You shouldn't trust the Cullen's."

"Lucky me. Rosalie's last name is Hale, so I'm good."

"What, the blonde one? She's the bitchiest of them all."

"Yeah, Jake, but _her legs_. They're enchanting!"

"She could kill you with her legs."

Lisette said with wonder, "I would die a happy woman."

"Dead is dead, Lisette."

" _Technically_."

"... What does that even mean?"

"I don't know, Jacob, leave me alone."

Bella eyed Jacob with interest. It probably wasn't romantic interest. Sorry, Jake. "Hey, Jake. We're heading down to the 'beach'," here, the twins used finger-quotes in perfect unison, "wanna come with? You can invite whoever you want."

Jacob perked up. "Yeah, I'd love to! Are we going right now? The waves should be good today, I wanna stop by home and grab my board."

She nodded. "We'll do that. Liz, can you tell Dad where we're going?" She handed her mug to her sister with a smile. "I'll warm up the truck!"

"Thanks, Lisette," said Jacob, also handing his mug to Lisette. He hopped in beside Bella with no small amount of glee. Lisette wordlessly screamed at them for the task but fulfilled it easily enough, even if she got distracted recounting her day at school to Charlie to the point where she almost forgot to tell him that they were going to the 'beach' in the first place.

About ten minutes later, Lisette squeezed into the truck. "Okay. We can go now."

"Did you do your make-up?"

Lisette smacked her glossy lips together. "It's not like I'll be swimming."

"God, I hate you." Said Jacob, sounding like he meant it. Lisette planted a glossy kiss on his cheek and then turned the radio up loud enough to hurt.

* * *

That night, Bella smashed into Lisette's room and locked the door behind her.

"Liz, Jake's family— what are you doing?"

Lisette slapped too much craft glue to the back of a poorly cut picture of her and Bella (they were identical little girls in identical ballet tutus; indistinguishable from each other if not for Bella's sulky frown and the fact that Lisette had her tongue out, her hands splayed at her ears, and her face covered in marker) and slapped the picture to a blank scrapbook page.

She said, somewhat unnecessarily, "I'm scrapbooking. For Mom. Because I miss her. And Arizona. It's so _cold_ here. I'm losing my tan!"

"Oh, poor you," Bella sniffed. She'd never been capable of tanning and resented Lisette's inborn ability for it. "Do you want to hear my news or not?"

"You're dating Jacob?"

"What? No. Why would you—"

"You and him walked off together! It was a romantic stroll on the 'beach', what was I supposed to think!?"

"I was interrogating him on the Cullen's! Come on, Liz!"

Lisette waved her hand. "How was I supposed to know? You left me without warning to deal with Jessica, I wasn't in my right mind."

"I _told you_ — look, I asked Jacob about the Cullen's and he told me a story his tribe has about the Pale Faces and long story short I'm _positive_ that Jacob's family — or at least his ancestors — know that the Cullen's are vampires. There's a _treaty_ that keeps them from "hunting on their lands", it's a whole thing. The Cullen's can't even come to La Push." Lisette pulled out her phone. "What are you doing?"

"Double checking your sources," she murmured, firing off a text.

"Who are you texting?" Lisette showed her the screen. "You have the tact of a rhino."

"It's been said— oh, she replied. She's quick. I like that."

"Show me, show me,"

"Chill _out_ , Bell, fucking—oooh, cool."

"What's cool?"

Lisette turned the phone.

.

 **To:** Alice Cullen ( acullen)  
 **CC:**  
 **Subject:** worst kept secret?  
i'm assuming you know who jacob black is (if not he's the scrawny kid with the long black hair and puppy smile his dad is the awesome dude in the wheelchair who likes cracking open a beer with my dad) ((the sheriff)). quick question: what does his family know about _your_ family? does he… _know_?  
hope yr day is going well vamp chick  
\- lisette

.

 **To:** Lisette Swan (sparklesparkleprincess12349)  
 **CC:**  
 **Subject:** re: worst kept secret?  
Dear Lisette,  
Rest assured, friend, that I know who Jacob Black is. I also know who Billy Black is. You realize I have been alive for quite a while, yes? And that a great many of those years were spent in Forks? I know the residents of this town.  
Your question is... kind of tricky to answer. Could you tell me what _you_ know? His family has a secret that I don't have the right to disclose.  
Sincerely,  
Alice  
P.S. My day has been going quite well! You should visit with Bella sometime, I've been so excited to meet her! We're all going to be such great friends, just you see. Esme misses you as well. I think she wants to use the kitchen and you're the only excuse she has for it.

.

"Obviously we have to visit. If Esme wants to cook for us then we have to eat, and I don't think you've met Alice before,"

"Pixie chick?"

"Yeah, bubbly as hell!"

Bella shrugged. "We could visit them now and talk about this."

"It's 7 o'clock."

"Dad's on a late shift and I'm damn curious, Liz. Tell her that we're visiting. I'm going to make myself a coffee."

Lisette thought about protesting this teenage impulsiveness, then found that she was not lacking on her own inventory of teenage impulsiveness, and found it hard to protest. She left her amateurish scrapbooking attempt to dry on her quilt and wrote out a note for her Dad and stuck it to the fridge. ( _Hey Dad. Bell & I are visiting the Cullen's. Will try our hardest not to die. Love you xx - Liz._)

Her phone buzzed as Bella filled their travel mugs with caffeinated sludge. Lisette read the email and hummed. "This whole 'seeing into the future' thing has it's perks," She decided, and left the phone with Bella to read off of as she fetched her favourite movie. "Is it really smart to visit a vampire coven at night, Bells?"

"I have questions," said Bella, as if the threat of vampires didn't concern her. It probably didn't. God forbid anyone accuse Bella of strategic thinking. "I'll suffer through the dungeons and coffins if I can have my questions answered. Seriously," she fetched the keys and returned Lisette's phone, "what is wrong with this town? Arizona was simpler."

Lisette pulled on her boots and jumped into the pick-up truck. "Arizona didn't prepare us for the real world of vampires,"

"And pixies,"

"And witches and wizards,"

"God, I hope trolls aren't real."

"I hope mermaids _are_ ," Lisette sighed. "To be so lucky… do you think I could convince a mermaid to let me join their ranks?"

"Ask the Cullen's," Bella said, and off they drove, buoyed by their willful naivety and painful stupidity, to a coven of vampires they could consider acquaintances at best.

(It was entirely possible that Bella and Lisette were the _worst_ type of enablers.)

* * *

.

 **To:** Lisette Swan (sparklesparkleprincess12349)  
 **CC:**  
 **Subject:** re: re: worst kept secret?  
Dear Lisette,  
I've told Esme you're coming! There is the smell of cooking food coming from the kitchen for the first time in… ever! Vampires don't sleep, so don't worry about the time. We're all happy to prepare dinner. Tell Bella that we'll make sure you get home safely after we're finished talking. *squeals* This is so exciting! I can't wait to meet your sister!  
Sincerely,  
Alice  
P.S. Bring _Le fils de l'épicier_ if you can. Jasper and I are curious about the movie.


	3. Chapter 3

**Title:** to the monster who didn't succeed

 **Summary:** Accidentally stumbling upon the conclusion that the Cullen's were vampires was in all honesty: too easy. Even if Lisette wasn't actually serious when she accused them of being vampires. The werewolves Lisette didn't see coming. Because Forks sucked that way. [OC. WLW. Crackfic asf.]

 **Rating:** T

 **Disclaimer:** Disclaimed.

 **Warnings:** Nope.

 **Notes:** I rewatched the series. I'm tempted to name my Bella as an OC at this point - she doesn't sigh as often as movie Bella does. So I'm rectifying it and now everyone is sighing. Everyone. This file is 'im dead inside and it shows a ' for your information.

* * *

It was on an average Tuesday night that two of the stupidest human teenagers to ever live in Forks pulled up at the Cullen residence (aka _the cabin in the woods_ ) without having told anyone where they were or when they'd be returning to the land of civilisation. All in all, the perfect set-up for a double homicide in the woods. Victims: twin sisters, Isabella and Lisette Swan—

"Can you stop monologuing?" Bella huffed. The truck was put into neutral with a wheezing crank of the handbrake. "I don't want the vampires to know that you monologue."

"It's a dialogue. You're here with me."

"I'm not talking back; you're monologuing, don't put me in the same group as you."

Lisette conceded. Bella had an entire complex about being "grouped" with her, something about how twins had no individuality unless they fought tooth and nail for it. It was better for the both of them if Lisette was extremely sensitive on the subject. Bella was super easy to offend.

"Anyway," said Lisette, leaping out of their rusty truck with style, "don't we have a town mystery to solve?" Without waiting for a reply (it would surely be sarcastic), Lisette trotted for the massive glass sliding doors with her hand raised to demand entry. But, you know, vampires — one second the door was unattended, the next Lisette was knocking against empty air because she was being let in.

Superspeed. She had to remember the superspeed.

It was Carlisle, outfitted in an unreasonably expensive and monochromatic sweater vest and black slacks. He looked as inhumanly gorgeous as he always did, and at this point Lisette was sick of thinking about it. Vampires were pretty. It was established. It was not a point that needed to be stressed any longer.

Carlisle's smile was thin but genuine. "Lisette. Bella. Alice told everyone you two would be coming. It wasn't too tricky to drive at night?"

"Uh, dunno. From my end it was easy, but I'm the passenger and my job isn't hard. That's Bella." Lisette introduced, somewhat redundantly. 'Somewhat redundant' was her middle name. "She's my twin. I told her you were vampires. Sorry. I couldn't help myself."

The 'thin but genuine' smile remained, though not without visible difficulty. "Yes, Edward already told us. It's… fine. We're still happy to have you girls in our home."

Doubt.

Bella awkwardly stumbled to the door before Lisette could get to her knees and grovel for forgiveness. (Lisette was extremely susceptible to parental disapproval.) "Um," began an eloquent Bella, "I'm Bella Swan. It's nice to meet you, Dr. Cullen."

They shook hands. Bella shivered at the temperature difference, made that terrible 'too-short-to-be-a-sigh' sound that was too long to be a normal breath and made her that much nerdier to be around, and subtly stepped behind Lisette. Not out of fear. She was blatantly checking out Papa Vamps and was likely using her sister as a body shield.

Lisette clapped just to break the silence. "RIGHT. So, Jacob Black?"

Carlisle stepped back to let them inside. "I hope you two are hungry. Esme and Alice have prepared a delicious meal — Bella, I hope you like Italian."

Bella grimaced. "I love Italian!"

She hated Italian. She _liked_ peanut butter and jam with the occasional garden salad. Bella didn't enjoy new and exotic tastes, like Italian, or any type of seasoning at all, really.

Well, this was going to be fun.

* * *

It _was_ fun.

The pasta was spicy and Bella teared up, but managed to pass it off as delicious food and not Caucasian taste buds. Plus, Rosalie hated Lisette now, evident by the evil stares and snide comments sprinkled throughout the _amazing_ Italian dinner. Alice was all but vibrating out of her seat, so Lisette probably wasn't shaping up to become dessert. Win some, lose some.

It was only after the meal was concluded that Alice cracked open the Swan sister's fresh new mystery.

Now, if this was a story written by a passionate, motivated author who understood the importance of depicting the main characters' reactions to devastating, world-shaking news, you (dearest readers) would be reading about that: Lisette's shock, Bella's clumsy, badly emoted horror, Lisette's following burning curiosity, more snide Rosalie comments. But this isn't that type of story and the author is not only lazy, but on Team Jacob.

So we're skipping the explanation, because y'all already know what's up.

Resume:

" — seems fair to me," said Lisette. "It's their land, right? You're guests. There are rules to every household. The werewolf household demands that you don't eat people when you're there. Not unreasonable."

Bella made an uncertain wobble of her head. "Vampires need to eat too, Lizzy."

"Murder is a crime that transcends species," replied Lisette, who felt this should not be in question. She sent the Cullens some sincere finger guns. "No offense or anything, I just don't wanna be killed."

Jasper didn't breathe. Know who did? Bella. She was sighing. Again. Curiously, she was also sitting right beside Edward, who was supposed to be the worst person in the world? Lisette made a mental note to check in on that. Was it the van incident? Nothing brought people together faster than near-death situations.

Emmett said, "Don't fret, buttercup. No one here wants to eat you. Too loud," Before the humans could feel relief about that, he followed with: "Besides, your sister smells way better; if anyone was going to be eaten, it'd be her."

"Emmett!" Edward snapped.

"What? We're all thinking it." And if they weren't then, they were now. Emmett refused to look guilty.

"You're such a brute. Bella, you have nothing to worry about. You're safe here." Bella, unconvinced, nodded warily. "And Lisette, you _do_ smell good, I promise. Neither of you listen to Emmett." This was from Alice. Very sincerely delivered, nice sentiment, still weird.

"Right,"

"Thanks?"

An obligatory five second silence.

Lisette rose her hand. "I brought _Le fils de l'épicier_ if anyone is interested. But before we do that, quick question, absolutely necessary that it is answered, I've been wondering for a while now: Can you guys smell periods?"

Bella covered her face with her hands. Rosalie sniffed, either offended or… hopefully just offended. God.

Very tiredly, Carlisle answered, "Yes. Yes, we can."

Edward looked extremely uncomfortable.

"Had to ask," Lisette said to the offended room at large. "Come on. Like you wouldn't wonder the same thing in my situation. Have some sympathy."

* * *

After discovering that werewolves exist from a pretty reliable source, Lisette found it entirely impossible to care about school. That's not to say she didn't do all her exams and meet all her word count limits, because she did (her dad was the sheriff, guys, how bad would he look if his daughter was a high school dropout?) but — okay, she handed in a six page essay describing Egyptian architectural resources to her Bio teacher. So what?

Werewolves.

WEREWOLVES!

Lisette came to the conclusion that she needed to talk to Jacob. It was his family, if she wanted to know more she should go to him. It was his tribe, his history, his magical roots that enabled him to shift into a wolf whenever the hell he wanted.

( _Werewo_ —)

Day planned, as soon as lunch started, Lisette was at the table; leg bouncing so ferociously the table was vibrating with it. Her eyes darted across the room, at a loss for what to do. She needed Bella. Like, five minutes ago. As soon as the bell had rung. The keys. THE KEYS.

Her phone buzzed. Lisette had it in her hand fast as freaking lightning. It was from an unknown number. It said: **Your heart is pounding. Cut it out.**

Ominous. But there wasn't many people the text could belong to. Lisette smashed the buttons of her tiny flip phone, eager to both distract herself and respond as soon as possible. Her reply ended up being something like, **trry h didmt sake my addfralm** , followed by an apologetic, **adderall***. And (for good luck): **rsalie?**

The reply was instant and said **No**. Lisette almost broke her neck checking the cool vampire table and found the Cullen-Hale lot all staring at her, with the exception of Rosalie, who was killing the ceiling lights with the force of her scathing gaze. Emmett waved. Lisette waved back. Emmett pointed behind her. Lisette didn't really get it.

"Since when did you know the Cullens well enough to talk to them?"

Ooooooh.

Snidely said, with just enough sweetness to give her plausible deniability. Lisette turned around and clapped her hands together. "Hey, Jess! So nice to see you today, at school, on this lovely dreary school day. Is Bella behind you by any chance?"

Jess smiled like it hurt her. "Uh, yeah?"

And what do you know. Bella was. "Wonderful. Bells, I need the truck keys. Take a ride home with your new boyfriend if you have to. I need the keys. Gimme the keys. Right _now_ , Bella—"

Bella put a hand in Lisette's face, pushing her back far enough that Lisette couldn't make that desperate grasp for a random pocket. She snapped: "Lizzy, we still have literature! You can't skip school!"

This was said at the same time as, "Boyfriend? Bella has a boyfriend?" from Mike. Eric looked similarly frantic for information.

"Forfeit the damn keys. Please. I will attack you in broad daylight. Out of love. _Isabella_."

"Why," Bella began, harried, "do you need to skip school so badly?"

Lisette paused. Jessica hurried to add her opinion while the expired new girl thought of a coded response. "I know you two are the newest students in Forks, but your new girl privileges are expired. You could get in serious trouble if you're caught, Lisette."

"I am okay with that."

"Okay," said Jessica, faux concern gone in an instant. Angela sent her a scolding look. Jessica shrugged elaborately and mouthed, ' _what?!_ '

Ignoring Jessica, who was pretty and sensible, Lisette said, "I need to ask Jake about some dogs."

"Dogs," Said Eric with a healthy amount of incredulity.

"Dogs."

"You're skipping school to ask around about some dogs?"

"Not around," Lisette said, offended to her very core. "I'm asking _Jake_ about dogs." Lisette's phone buzzed. It was undoubtedly from the vampires; the vampires were firmly ignored. Lisette was in the middle of negations, couldn't they tell?

Mike sniffed, stuffed some fries in his gob, and tried for casual and unaffected. "So, is, uh, 'Jake' your boyfriend or something, Bells?"

Bella closed her eyes, breathed deeply, and pitched the keys at Lisette's vulnerable eyes. She did not reply to Mike; this seemed to greatly distress Mike. "I'm not making excuses to Charlie."

"Uh, dad expects this stuff from me. You're his mirror image. If he finds out you were driven home by your _boyfriend_ ," Bella's nostrils flared at the word, a protest already out of her mouth, "do you really think he'll be worried about my excuses? Pah-lease."

Bella started to argue.

Lisette leaped up, planted a kiss on Bella's cheek, then one on Angela's because she could, and shouted an enthusiastic, "Bye!" as she legged it out of there. Who cared about Bella's delicate sensibilities? She would never truly _yell_ at Lisette in a public space. She was fine.

More importantly, she had a sixteen year old lovesick puppy to ask about some dogs.

* * *

Before anyone asks, no, Lisette did not have her license. However, she was fantastic with applying theory to real life situations, and figured that driving could not be that hard. In fact, if Bella could do it, it stood to reason that Lisette could as well. Twin telepathy, bitch. It was a real thing.

(It wasn't, and Lisette really shouldn't be driving. It was illegal and dangerous to all parties involved. Please don't drive if you don't have a license. Even if it _will_ make for a hilarious story to tell all your Arizona friends!

Like, seriously. Such a great story. Lisette gained half her friend group using that tale, screw you Bella, it was a classic.)

But anyway, Lisette couldn't actually drive and stalled a lot. So she ended up at the reservation after school hours, luckily for Home Schooled Jacob.

Unfortunately, Jacob had to go and be an idiot. So.

Okay, listen. Backstory time. Not really. But listen anyway.

Lisette was not a socially anxious person. Generally anxious? Sometimes. A healthy amount of sometimes. She didn't have problems talking to people and most people found her filterless babble charming, perhaps even endearing. Lisette had had past relationships, not being totally inept, and what she didn't have in friends, she had in acquaintances. At bars, Lisette even drank metropolitans, because Lisette was a popular asshole.

However, that was in Arizona. This was Forks. And in Forks, Bella was the hot one, and Lisette was Bella's twin with the shaky mental foundations. Bella's whole "I'm an individual" schtick slash complex was beginning to make sense — Lisette could not do a single thing without it being tied back into Bella.

Like, just a random example: when you skip school to visit a childhood friend to ask for some explanations on what the fuck werewolves are, and the first thing you're asked about is your sister.

"Where's Bella?" Speficially.

Jacob said it. Because Jacob had no loyalty at all.

They used to build mud pies together. _Mud pies._ It was a sacred bond. Lisette used to braid his hair and paint his nails neon pink. They used to take baths together. She and Jacob have _farted_ in front of each other, okay, so excuse Lisette for thinking that she and him can be considered close, perhaps even friends.

HER MISTAKE, THOUGH.

"I consider you a person individual from your attractive sister. You could at least extend the same courtesy to me."

Jacob pretended not to hear the real annoyance in her voice. He peered over her shoulder. "Is she in the truck?"

"Why does Bella always have to be present, huh? Do I not exist without Bella? Jesus, Jake, aren't we friends? Or am I just Bella's annoying twin sister to you too — "

"You don't have a damn license, Liz," Jacob interrupted. He pursed his lips. "Please tell me she's hiding in the back or something. Around the corner? Under the truck? Did you drive here by yourself?!"

"Will you be mad if I tell you that I did?"

"Yes," Jacob said irately.

"Then no, I didn't drive here."

"You are obviously lying,"

"If it's so obvious then why — " Lisette sprinted past Jacob and into the house with a noisy clatter of the screen door. He exploded into movement, a dog on her heels, no pun intended, yelling about responsibility and law and "your dad is the sheriff, are you crazy?!"

"BILLY!"

Billy Black was having a cup of probably-not-tea at the couch, right in front of his tiny boxy television. He spilled half his not-tea in surprise, wheeling around with wide eyes. "Lizzy?"

Only Bella could call her that. Bella and Billy, she guessed. B-ll'ies only.

"I have questions about the werewolf nonsense," Lisette attempted to cliffhang, only for Jacob to come flying through the door and collide into her back, sending them both crashing to the ground in an uncomfortable ball of gangly limbs and screaming teens.

Because why not. Cliffhanging is a device overused by lazy authors like me. As are time skips. Example: now.


	4. Chapter 4

**Title:** to the monster who didn't succeed

 **Summary:** Accidentally stumbling upon the conclusion that the Cullen's were vampires was in all honesty, way too easy. Even if Lisette wasn't actually serious when she accused them of being vampires. Now the werewolves... [OC. WLW. Crackfic af.]

 **Rating:** T?

 **Disclaimer:** Disclaimed.

 **Warnings:** Um.

 **Notes:** God I love complete apathy towards canon. Shit. Feels good. Also, Lisette has some… depth. For like two seconds. Read receipts totally weren't a thing back then but they're important to me, okay, so deal w/ it.

* * *

04.

 **to the monster who didn't succeed**

 _The One Where Liz Does Some Damage Control_

…

* * *

For some reason, Lisette bursting into Billy's home uninvited to spill the beans about werewolves wasn't a duty that ended with her receiving an award in front of an exalted audience. It was probably because Jacob didn't know about werewolves prior to Lisette screaming about them (shortly before being _tackled to the floor_ , might she add).

Actually, it was entirely because of that. But his spiritual crisis wasn't what was important here. The way she saw it, he was going to have it regardless. He'd find out about werewolves eventually, and she seriously doubted he'd take it any better if Billy had broken the news to him later on in life, gently and respectfully and _privately_ —

Okay, so Lisette screwed this one up. Made a little boner. It's okay, humans aren't perfect and she's human. Probably the only one in Forks. As an apology for not giving her superspeed and an inborn fursona, God allowed her the ability to fuck up a lot and not be crucified for it. Jesus died so she could ruin Jacob's life, guilt-free.

Religion: it was a game-changer.

"I'm really sorry, Billy," said Lisette. She meant it this time. Previous apologies were said around choked-giggles because Jacob looked like really goofy when he was surprised — honestly hilarious, she should have taken a picture — but Jacob had since stormed off to his room, and she was sitting at the table, alone, with the father of the kid she'd fast-tracked into a midlife crisis. "I thought he knew."

"You couldn't have known," Billy replied. He sipped his not-tea. "You _shouldn't_ have known."

Lisette acknowledged that: she most definitely should not have.

"How _did_ you know? The other members of the Tribe would never disclose this information to you. It goes against our laws."

"Uh, well, the thing is… I'd tell you, but I don't want to get the person who told me in trouble with you."

"This was a tremendous breach of our privacy, Lizzy. My tribe has a right to our anger."

Lisette winced and stalled by slurping at her water. For obvious reasons, a solution didn't magically come to her. Billy was intense, and angry, and staring really really really hard at her and damn it, he had a point, didn't he? Was she being an asshole? Was she _that_ white girl now?

She ducked her head. "Can you promise you won't tear out their throats if I snitch?" This was what she was reduced to: _a snitch._ God, she was going to cry. Forks had ruined her. She should have never left Arizona.

"I'm not a Shifter. I can't tear out any throats."

"Aww, don't say that Billy! I'm sure you could if you put some effort into it."

"Thanks, kid. Now stop stalling and spill. Who told you?" With great reluctance, Lisette told him. He asked her to repeat herself, seeing as Lisette had deliberately slurred the words while taking a lengthy drink from her cup. Lisette told him again, louder and clearer this time.

She hadn't ever seen his face look so angry before. Not even after that one time Jacob had smashed one of their family heirlooms and she'd endured a three-hour-long scolding. (He'd told her that they had a curse on them because of it. They didn't, and Jacob had known that, but _she_ hadn't — Billy let her believe it for an entire year as cruel and unusual punishment.)

"The _Pale Ones_ told you?! That was not their secret to share!"

"Sure wasn't. I should — I should go and find them and give them a stern talking to for you. Naughty Cullens. The nerve of them. I'll get right to that then, shall I? It's no trouble at all, I'd be happy to run the errand for you, Billy."

Billy quelled her with a fierce look. Meep. "I need to call the Council together immediately. We need to decide how to deal with this… this disrespectful act. It doesn't break the Treaty, but we can't allow the Pale Ones to go around telling whoever they want about _our Tribe's secret_!"

Oooh, that sounded very not good at all.

"Is that… like, not to stick my nose in or anything" — Lisette definitely meant to stick her nose in — "but do you… have to do that?"

Billy stared.

"You want me to let the Pale Ones disrespect our rules?"

"Well, _no_. But."

"...But?"

"Billy, I really don't want to be eaten by vampires," Lisette said in a rush because she didn't know about any of the other vampires, but Rosalie would have no problem with that at all. Like, zero hesitation. It wouldn't even be a nice death. Hopefully Jacob would avenge her. "Please don't put me into the position where I'll be eaten by vampires. I am a beautiful, intelligent, bouncy, young spring chicken. Dear God I haven't had sex in like, _months,_ and if I die before I can get off with a pretty girl, I'll haunt you. I swear, I'll haunt you. Don't force me to do that to your family, Billy."

During her tirade, Billy's face had grown more and more uncomfortable. There was a high probability that the discomfort originated from his fatherly instincts, which dictated that he want nothing at all to do with his daughter-figure's theoretical sex-life. Even if said sex-life was currently nonexistent. Maybe even especially because of that.

Lisette was tired of masturbating, guys. And Bella was sick of listening to her whinge about it. If she had to complain to Billy Black then it was everyone else's fault for pushing her to this.

The older man placed his cup on the table and wheeled in close. After some hesitation, he patted her shoulder in consolidation. She hoped it wasn't comradery. That was _way_ too much information. "You'll be protected by the Wolves in the event of a confrontation with the Cold Ones."

"Because you love me?"

"Because you're human; fragile, weak, and useless against vampires. We would have no other choice."

"...That's fair, but what the fuck?"

Billy kindly reminded her, "You blew our secret to Jacob, Lizzy. I'm still upset about that. We need to have a chat about secret keeping. The most important part about keeping a secret is not yelling about the secret at the first opportunity."

Lisette shrugged weakly. "Figured everyone in this house knew about it already?"

"This is why your father never told you where the Christmas presents were hidden," said Billy, ruthless as fuck, "but Bella did."

"Are you telling me that Bella is better at keeping secrets than I am?" Lisette spluttered. "Billy, come on! We're just as bad as each other, if there has to be a competition at all!"

Billy looked doubtful. As she was the one currently trying to throw water at the grease fire she'd started by not being able to keep her mouth shut, she supposed he was warranted a bit of doubt. However, Lisette was Bella's twin sister. That counted for something. Not sure what, but it was probably really good.

"The situation needs to be addressed, Lizzy. I promise you won't be harmed. But this demands action."

Lisette was _seriously going to die._ Quickly, she said, "Then you can act! Alone! Without the council and the other wolves finding out!"

"No."

" _Billlyyyy_!"

"That would be breaking the Treaty," said Billy, sounding concerned for Lisette's intelligence.

To be honest, Lisette was on the same page. But she was onto something. Maybe. God, she hoped she was. "There has to be neutral territory, right? Meet there! Chat! You're the Chief, aren't you? You can make decisions on behalf of the entire Tribe?"

Billy tilted his head and said, "That's not how this works at all."

Lisette grabbed his hands tightly. "Do you want me to haunt you that badly?"

"You're _not_ dying."

"We're all dying, Billy," She told him gravely, "But if you go to war with the Cullens because I snitched, I'll be the Usain Bolt of dying. I'll die a half-virgin. How would you sleep at night, knowing that I died a half-virgin because of you?"

"I won't sleep tonight as it is because you have no filter," Billy closed his eyes and sighed. His hands squeezes hers. She clutched him tighter, optimistic that the physical contact would remind him that he didn't hate her and that she was a really great person who deserved a softer death than homicide à la vampire. "...I won't meet a entire clan of Cold Ones alone, Lizzy. Not even for you."

Well, she'd be remembering _that_.

Lisette grinned weakly. "How about if you just met the one? Their big dude, Daddy Vamps?"

" _Never_ can him that again, Lizzy."

"Roger that. But what if I can arrange it? You tough men can come together in no man's land and discuss shit like gentle people who don't want me to die a brutal death. It would be spectacular. I could one-hundred-percent organise it."

He raised a skeptical eyebrow. " _Could_ you?"

Who fucking knew, honestly. "Of course I could! Can! _Will!_ " Lisette declared with gumption. As soon as she stepped past the line of the Reserve, Rosalie was going to be on her like white on rice. Lisette was going to haunt her as well. "Just agree and I'll leave right now to fix it up."

Billy hummed.

Desperately, Lisette hissed, " _Half-virgin, Billy._ "

He cringed, and she knew she had him. "Have it organised for tonight, Lizzy. He'll know where the neutral land is. If this entire thing isn't settled by tomorrow morning, I'll have to take this to the council." Lisette whooped, leaping to her feet. Billy watched her, long-suffering. "But you have to stop by every weekend for the next six months, kid."

That stopped her. "What the fuck, why?"

"To clean up around here. Jacob's a bit lax, and I can't reach high places with this old thing," He smacked the arm of his wheelchair. "Figure the place could use a feminine touch to freshen it up."

"That's really sexist, but since I owe you my life, I'll let this one slide," Lisette said whilst pointing at Billy's gruff face. He was unaffected by it. One day, she'd get him. Then he'd be sorry. "I need to go to the Cullen's right away. I'll text Jacob with the deets!"

Billy waved her out the door. "Go, brat. Let's get this over and done with."

* * *

...

* * *

Lisette's truck (okay, Bella's truck) had a visitor. Like, something just fell on her roof. Sounded really heavy. There might be a couple of dead birds above her head. She hoped not, because that was seriously disturbing and Lisette would never drive this truck again if that was the case.

Then the door opened — haha _what the fuck_ — and in climbed Alice Cullen. She was pouting. "I've already told Carlisle about your plan, and he's in. You don't need to show up at the house."

"I should anyway, right? To apologise?"

Alice looked she thought Lisette was being stupid. Sweet, but stupid. "Rosalie is waiting for you."

Lisette chucked a really rough U-turn. "Yeah, no fucking way," She muttered under her breath, and Alice's next smile had too many teeth in it. Lisette wondered if she was being cautious of the right vampire here. "If you're going to eat me, I have to warn you that I _will_ haunt you and it'll be super inconvenient. I've given this speech to Billy already. I'll upgrade it for you: every time you have sex with Jasper, I'll hang right over his shoulder and force you to watch me instead — you'll be forced into celibacy."

"Lisette," said Alice. "That's unnecessary. And disturbing. Please, never tell me that again."

"Don't _smile_ at me like that then! You're an apex predator, you should be aware of your power!"

"I am," she assured Lisette. It was, for some reason, not at all comforting. "If anyone isn't aware of my power, it's you. Do you know how to keep a secret, Lisette?" Lisette shrugged expansively, and Alice sighed. It was so fucking offensive. She didn't even _breathe_ — she literally _couldn't_ sigh, she just pretended to because that was just what people did with Lisette.

She was the type of person a dead person sighed at.

Lisette fished out her phone and held it out in Alice's direction. "Could you text Jake and tell him to tell Billy that Papa Cullen is a go for Operation 'Don't Let Lisette Become A Cheesy Chainmail On Myspace'?"

Alice eyed the phone as if it was going to eat her. It was a flip phone. Considering Alice lived in a mansion and drove a Tesla to school, it was entirely probable that she had no idea what the fuck a flip phone was and how to use one. "How about you pull over, I drive, and _you_ text Jacob Black?"

"Are you saying I can't drive?"

"Yes. You don't have your license. Lisette, you are the Sheriff's daughter. Does that mean anything to you?"

"You know what," Lisette said loudly, careening to the side of the room somewhat safely before slamming on the brakes. It wasn't physically possible for Alice to go any paler, or for her to have a near-death experience (being already securely dead), but she had a good go at trying. "I feel like you're a bit angry with me, and that's fair!"

"I'm glad you agree."

"I said: _That's fair_ , but you're the one who has precognition here, and I think some of the blame for me being who I am as a person should fall to your feet! There, I said it!"

They sat in silence. Then, "Lisette, really. You can just tell me that you feel guilty. I'll forgive you, but you have to apologise first."

Lisette's face burned, and she angrily unclipped her seatbelt but didn't make any effort to get out of the car. "I have nothing to feel guilty for. I am a victim of circumstance. You see this? This is my 'victim' face. When you see it, it means I've been victimized. Respect that."

"I can wait until you're ready."

God _damn it._

Alice watched her with unnerving golden eyes. Lisette sat there with her muscles locked in place, unnaturally still, and tried especially hard not to be sick. The silence had a weight to it — pregnant with expectations that Lisette wouldn't be reaching anytime soon. Why was Alice looking at her like that? What did she expect; that Lisette would be able to keep quiet about something as _big_ as this? It was unrealistic.

If Lisette had disappointed Alice, it was the vampire's fault. Lisette didn't encourage those high hopes, and wouldn't take responsibility for their crashing. The teenager inhaled deeply, flexing her fingers on the wheel. Fucking hell. God damn it. Shit, shit, shit. All of those naughty words and a few more besides. This was _lame._ Lisette was being a loser.

" _I'm_ _not_ " — she closed her eyes and pretended that her throat didn't feel like it was full of cotton — " _sorry_."

Lisette _hated_ being the loser.

Alice made no noise — she laid her cold hand on Lisette's arm, an unnatural crease to her skin where her brows pinched together. "Well, you know what? I am. Your mind… Lisette, you make decisions so erratically that it's hard for me to see you sometimes. It's easier to watch Bella. But this is affecting your worldview too. It's obvious to anyone who's looking, but I wasn't. No one was. I'm sorry; I didn't realise this was hard for you."

Lisette pressed her forehead against the cold leather of the steering wheel. Breathed in, held it, and then breathed out. She did this until the fire in her chest was extinguished. The next time she blinked, there wasn't the threat of tears. The imperceptible shake to her hands quietened, helped along by the death-grip she had on the wheel. Alice's inhumane temperature was a balm against her clammy skin.

It was a simple thing to tear down the barriers and let her tongue _go_.

"How the _fuck_ are any of you real, Alice? Vampires? Seriously, what the hell is up with that? The _science_ — I don't get it. I don't. My childhood best friend might be a _furry_ ; how am I supposed to just be okay with that? Take it in my stride like a model human? Why do you need to drink blood when you aren't alive and _don't require nutrients_? Jacob is a werewolf! And why the hell is Bella completely calm about this? I mean, she's freaking out but not that bad, and she's sticking to Edward like glue and I don't understand that either because she _hated him_ —"

"She didn't," said Alice, before smiling and adding: "Sorry, carry on."

Lisette didn't have anything much to add. She settled for groaning until there was no more air left in her lungs. "Alice, I have so many questions."

"Yes. No. To get to the other side. 1.77245…" Against her will, Lisette snorted. Alice hummed and tangled her fingers in Lisette's hair, scratching gently. "Have you ever tried not thinking so much about it?"

"I have ADHD."

"Well, have you tried talking about it? With Bella?"

Lisette groaned again. "Told you, Bells is weirdly calm about it. She's such a fucking nerd."

"Your other friend then. Jake. He's probably as shaken about this as you are," Alice sounded uncertain. Lisette asked why, and the vampire freely admitted why. "I can't see the wolves. My sight doesn't extend to them. I can't be sure, but you've spoken about him before and I can guess."

It's a good suggestion. A fantastic suggestion, actually.

Holy shit.

Why didn't Lisette think about that?

She slammed her head back into the wheel. She hit the horn, and let it ring out obnoxiously loud down the empty street. "Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I'm an idiot. Burn me at the stake already, I'm a stain. Shit. I mean, I have to talk to him anyway but now I think I _want_ to. That's so _lame._ "

"Communication is healthy, Lisette."

Lisette pursed her lips. Held out her fist. "After that, I think you have permission to call me Lizzy, tinkerbell."

Alice squealed and held her hand instead of bumping it. It was like if someone had forced Lisette to erotically fist Jack Frost. It was just really cold, you know? "Yay! I knew you'd give in eventually!"

"You have way earned it, Alice. I mean, wow. Seriously. I can't believe you coached me through a teeny tiny panic attack while pissed off at me. Sorry for snitching on your family by the way. Twice. You should stop telling me secrets, I'm not very good at keeping them."

Alice smiled indulgently. "You're truly terrible, but I'm still going to tell you them. That's what friends do, silly."

Lisette sighed heavily, "God, you're such a sweetheart. You're going to make me sick. Get over here, you need to drive me home. I don't have my fucking license and I'm pretty sure if I don't let you drive, I'm going to crash at the first opportunity. Also, I have to text Jake."

The vampire was suddenly at the door, holding it open with a magnificent grin on her face. Lisette crawled over the middle to plant her butt in the passenger seat. It was not warmed up for her. Alice was reaping all the benefits of vampirism, while Lisette was stuck with cold leather seats and hot-but-bloodthirsty blondes. "I can't see Billy, so I can't tell you if tonight's talk is going to go well, but I can guarantee you that Carlisle won't let you be harmed by this. I know you're worried about that."

The human shrugged loosely. "It's not like I want to haunt y'all, it's just that I'll have to."

"Everything will be fine," Alice patted her head. Guess that was a thing now. "Text Jake. I need to figure out how fast this ugly truck can go."

"Hey, don't diss the truck," Lisette grumbled half-heartedly, already firing off a message to Jacob. "Pump the clutch twice otherwise it won't—" The truck rumbled to life with a sound not dissimilar to a smoker's cough. "There you go, we're rolling."

Alice jerked at the shift.

Lisette pursed her lips. "...I don't think you're supposed to go from 1 to 4."

"It's possible, I've done it before," said Alice, very sweetly, before the truck roared into movement. It was terrifying, and Lisette may have wet her pants a little bit. There was no escaping it. Whether it was from Rosalie, Jacob, or Alice behind the wheel of her crappy little truck — Lisette _was_ going to die tonight. It was inevitable.

At this rate, she was _never_ losing her full-virginity.

* * *

.

 **To:** Jack Black (323) 934-555  
 **From:** Me

i know you're super mad at me (or the world since you're a twelve yr old goth & that's just how yall are) ((noah fence)) but this is URGENT please tell billy that 'Daddy Vamp is a go for op Let Lizzy Wave Goodbye 2 Her Virginity at The Place' its very important. Lives are at stake. mainly mine (almost entirely mine)  
 _[4:25 PM]_

also i know the whole vampires vs werewolves thing is intense and spooky and if ure panicking, friendly reminder that so am i. constantly, daily, 2-4-7, 3-6-5. call me if u wanna freak out 2gether or anything.  
 _[4:26 PM]_

(dude pls call me. i just had a panic attack about this in front of a vampire and just texting u this sentence is surreal as fuck what is going on?)  
 _[4:26 PM]_

 _Seen._

* * *

.

 **To:** Lesbo Liz (323) 235-888  
 **From:** Me

Told him. Said he understands. What? Message me when you aren't surrounded by vampires (I guess that's a thing now?) Liz, I'm freaking out. Do I have to go through a heat? I don't want to. I also read about knotting. Does Bella know about this?

I haven't forgiven you for dropping this on me by the way. What the hell, Liz? Think, THEN act. We have TALKED about this. I don't understand anything.  
 _[4:39 PM]_

 _Seen._


	5. Chapter 5

**Title:** to the monster who didn't succeed

 **Summary:** Accidentally stumbling upon the conclusion that the Cullen's were vampires was in all honesty, way too easy. Even if Lisette wasn't actually serious when she accused them of being vampires. Now the werewolves... [OC. WLW. Crackfic af.]

 **Rating:** T

 **Disclaimer:** Disclaimed.

 **Warnings:** Profanity as always. Really short chapter? Also this isn't a warning but a gift: Lisette's gossip buddy is Jacob and this is why I like being an author. I can do shit like this and y'all just have to take it.

 **Notes:** There is a specific user on this site who has supported this dumb story from the beginning and I just gotta say a humongous "BITCH WHAT'S UP!" to them because wow, right? This chapter is a "gift" to them. ( & NO, it's not you this time, Bill.)

* * *

 **05.**

to the monster who didn't succeed

 _The One Where Liz Is Forgiven (This Is Definitely A Filler)_

…

* * *

"Liz!"

Lisette didn't-trip down the stairs, hanging onto the railing for her dear life. "Yo, Daddy-o?"

"Did you sign up for a club at school?" Charlie sounded lost. The reason for that followed almost immediately: "Since when does Forks High School have _clubs_?"

"They have sports clubs, why wouldn't they have book clubs?" Lisette asked, safely jumping off the last five steps. She was much more relaxed now that she knew she wasn't going to be in trouble. She'd been yelled at a lot this week, and was very happy that her father wasn't going to adhere to that popular trend.

Not to say that she blamed Rosalie for the verbal reaming she gave her at the earliest opportunity (aka while she was in her room last night), or the whole business with Cullen-and-Billy that she received a lot of backlash from, or even the phone call she had this afternoon with Jacob wherein he screamed at her for being shitty as keeping secrets, and terrible at breaking any sort of news gently. They had their reasons for yelling. Fair was fair.

Nope, no blame. None at all. Moving on.

Standing in the kitchen was Charlie, still in uniform, reading a crisp-looking letter. His bushy Dad moustache was especially bushy today, especially when it was pulled into a grimace. Charlie couldn't help that he grimaced — it was that insufferable Swan awkwardness. Couldn't escape it. It didn't necessarily mean that Lisette was in trouble.

Still, even for a Swan, he looked really confused. Which was foreboding.

"A book club I would understand, but this?" He waved the letter. Lisette stared at him, wondering if he understood that she couldn't read it if he was doing that. "What are the 'Lois Lane Wannabes' and why are they trying to charge me a fifty-three dollar membership fee?"

 _Oooh_.

"Gonna freeball here and say it's probably because the membership fee is fifty-three dollars."

Charlie was not particularly impressed. "Who is Lois Lane, and why do you want to be like her?"

Lisette thought of about four smart comments she could make _instantly_ , and it physically hurt her not to voice them. But Charlie was looking a bit stressed out by the letter and Lisette, in her infinite well of generosity, decided not to fuel the flame. "It's a journalism club. For journalists. Lois Lane is a journalist. I wanna be her. Hence..."

"Journalist for?"

"Um. The Daily Planet."

Charlie hummed as if this was sufficient-and-not-at-all-fishy information. "I didn't know you were interested in journalism."

Lisette nodded enthusiastically, darting forward to snatch the letter from her dad's loose fingers. "Well, I am! The membership fee is like, so I can use the school's equipment: cameras and stationery and shitty tripod, all that stuff. If I could just have that money, I'll go straight to administration tomorrow and pay for it! Nothing suspicious here at all, I promise. Scout's honor."

Charlie looked at her — _really_ looked. Lisette consciously stopped tapping her foot on the linoleum, and then had to amend that because she couldn't stop tapping, not if she wanted to keep her hands from directing some hair into her mouth for chewing. But that was typical Lisette behavior. Not being able to stand still was a fact of her being, and Charlie, who did indeed know her as a child, was aware of it.

That's why Lisette wasn't sure what gave her away. Was it her eyes? She wasn't blushing. She _knew_ when she was blushing.

"...There's a cute girl in this class, isn't there."

(Dad instincts?)

Lisette balked. "What? No! Dad, I wouldn't waste fifty dollars of your money — _hard-earned while you were enforcing the law and keeping the peace of this dangerous town_ — on something as fleeting as teenage romance! Come on, have a little faith in me!"

Charlie pinched the bridge of his nose. "Liz, I need you to be straight with me."

Lisette snorted.

"—okay, bad word choice. I need you to be _honest_ with me. Are you joining the journalism club because Christina Weber's daughter is in charge of it?"

"That depends. Who the hell is Christina Weber?" Lisette definitely knew who Christina Weber was. Charlie then directed her to read who had signed off on the letter. Lisette did so, absent-mindedly continuing her defense as she did so. The names on the bottom of the page belonged to the principal, the vice principal, and… the current club leader, Angela Weber.

Huh.

… Would you look at that.

"You know, for a moment there I legitimately forgot that you're a detective. A+ work. This is why you're in charge of the entire department."

"Thanks, kid."

So, she was busted. Lisette folded the letter, leaned against the counter, and crossed her arms. "Well, now you know. What are you going to do about this, old man?"

Charlie raised his eyebrow. "You know I don't mind that you're gay, right? You could have told me the truth, I wouldn't have minded."

"Sure, sure. Anyway, I went through your search history, Mr. 'What-Does-PFLAG-stand-for,' so I know that already. You're the best ally-dad ever. Love you. Does this mean that you'll give me fifty bucks?"

He squinted. "You have to go to Billy's to clean up this weekend, don't you?" Lisette already didn't like where this was going. "Before you do that, I want you to wash the cruiser. Then you'll get your money."

She fucking _knew it._

She threw her hands in the air, both in exasperation and defeat. "Why can't you men _clean your own shit_?! It isn't hard, it's simple housekeeping! What if I don't want to?"

"No wash, no pay. You have to work for your money around here, Liz. I want that car to be _immaculate._ It has to shine. When I take it to the station on Monday, I was Jefferson to look at it and say, 'wow, Charlie, were you issued a new vehicle?' _That's_ how shiny it needs to be. The inside seats as well."

"I can't shine the inside seats, dad."

"The inside seats are leather. Yes, you can. Deal?"

On one hand: Lisette didn't want to do this. On the other: Angela was definitely not straight, and Lisette couldn't afford to wave at that opportunity as it danced past her door. In conclusion… Damn her father for knowing her even slightly. He had her pinned.

" _Fuck_ , fine, whatever. I don't even mind cleaning" — she did — "so I'll do it, no problems whatsoever on my end. But I need to get that money in by tomorrow. I'll take my pay in advance, _thank you very much_." Charlie grinned, and pulled out his wallet to deadass hand her fifty-three dollars. Cold cash. Lisette accepted the bounty, completely in awe. "I thought you weren't supposed to negotiate with terrorists?"

"That's not —" He stopped. Sighed. "Remember, this Saturday before you go off to Billy's."

Lisette was completely occupied by the stuffing of her money into her pocket. "Uh-huh."

"It has to _sparkle_ , Liz, otherwise I'll call the school and withdraw you from the club myself."

"That's homophobic."

He narrowed his eyes, clearly torn on whether he should graciously defer to her gay judgement or argue that it really wasn't homophobic at all. Lisette watched him, waiting to see which way he would tilt. In the end, he chose to ignore her, which was a pretty intelligent decision. Her dad continued to surprise her. "And find your sister, will you? I haven't seen her since I came back from work. Did she tell you where she would be going after school?"

Ah.

"Ah."

Her dad's eyes went _sharp._ "What did you do?"

Lisette choked. "I didn't do _anything_!" Then she considered, because maybe she had? Charlie looked completely unsurprised by the hesitation. "Well, _I didn't_. I didn't even introduce her to him. Although their closeness could possibly be my fault because I — "

… discovered that they were all vampires?

"— so, it's a little bit my fault."

"Is Bells with a _boy_?" Charlie said with all the vigor of a protective dad. "And she didn't tell me first?"

Lisette drummed her fingers on the counter, said, "You should probably investigate this, Sheriff," and dashed upstairs to her room. Charlie called after her, was determinedly ignored, and then loudly started tapping away at his phone with his dad fingers. Lisette locked her door and flopped face-down on her bed.

God, this was a good bed.

"I love you, bed."

"Cute," the bed replied. Lisette smiled into the quilt, inhaling the fabric softener. She'd have to tell Charlie to buy this scent again; it was seriously rad. What was that, spring breeze? Hawaiian? Her nostrils _agreed_. "Dude, are you sniffing your bed? That's so weird."

Wait, what?

Lisette leaped to her feet, a scream halfway out of her throat, hand reaching for the nearest object (her crappy art-deco lamp) to throw at the intruder. A block of dead skin that tasted a lot like 'ouch-frostbite' slapped over her mouth, stopping her alarm in its reasonable tracks. Emmett Cullen, looking insultingly amused, was staring down at her, one finger to his lips.

Lisette blinked, then pushed at his chest. It didn't do anything, but he stepped back anyway. " _Use the door, you asshole_!"

"You know, your sister loves when Edward does this to her," was his charming reply. Lisette had a lot of things to say about that. Some were along the lines of, 'Edward does _what now_?' and some were gay jokes. A lot of them were gay jokes. Most of them were gay jokes. "You doing anything?"

"You literally could have texted me and found out the answer without invading my house,"

"I'm taking that as a no. Cool, get on my back. "

Lisette was not getting on this man's back. "I'm not getting on your back."

But Emmett was not asking, and Lisette was swung onto his back faster than she could protest, wrists crossed over his chest where Emmett held her (huge? Fucking? hands?) Maybe it was to brace her. Maybe it was to stop her from fighting him in mid-air and falling to her death. She didn't have any time to ask, because Emmett was leaping out of her window and through the trees and Lisette was occupying her breath with screaming. At one point, Emmett asked her to shut up because of the whole superhearing thing, but then Lisette sobbed, and he just to ran faster.

Obviously, he took her to the Cullen house. Dumped her at the Cullen house. Then disappeared into the house and reappeared with Carlisle before Lisette managed to catch her breath. "Lisette. It's good to see you."

Lisette stared at Carlisle, smiling warmly at her. "If you're going to yell at me as well — "

"You know what you did wrong," Carlisle interrupted. He helped her up, watching as she dusted the dirt off her ass. Why did Emmett have to _drop her?_ "I was wondering if you were interested in having dinner with the family tonight."

"You're not asking, are you?"

"If you don't want to, you can go home. Alice felt that unless you were asked directly, you wouldn't give an answer. She says you're ignoring your messages?" Carlisle tilted his head in question. Lisette went to correct him — she _wasn't_ ignoring her phone — then realised what Alice was saying. Lisette would ignore a message from the _Cullens_. Because they were angry, and scary, and vampires. Oh. "Although Emmett's behavior was… inappropriate. I apologise on his behalf."

"The kidnapping was a bit much, yeah," Lisette muttered. "Is Bella still here?"

"I believe so."

"Great. Sure then. How'd the Billy thing go?"

Carlisle's smile thinned. "As well as could be expected. Come, we'll discuss it more in the dining room. That is, if you're staying the night…"

Lisette sighed. It'd be rude to decline. Which she's sure was the entire point of Emmett snatching her from her room like a total freak. "Alice really wants me to rebuild this burnt bridge, huh?"

Carlisle reassured her, "You haven't burned anything, Lisette. Esme misses your reactions to her food. It validates her."

"Hmm," said Lisette. "Why not?."

"You're staying then?"

"Only if you promise to put Rosalie on the other end of the table," was her condition. Not that it would help her if Rosalie really wanted to hurt her, but if the blonde was further away and out of her line-of-sight, then Lisette could ignore her easily and focus on the meal. Bargain, right? "Lemme just call my dad first and explain to him why I've apparently escaped through the window to have dinner at the Cullens'."

"You do that. I'll tell Esme to set another place at the table."

Carlisle ran off to give her a semblance of privacy while she called her dad. She stared after him, slightly baffled and a bit amused. Usually it wasn't the wronged party hosting the apology dinner. This was weird. Did he really feel bad that Lisette had freaked out so hard about his existence?

She really didn't get the Cullens. But they were cool, so it was okay. Maybe they would start letting her sit with them at lunch? _That_ would give Jessica something to gossip about.

The thought made Lisette choke on her spit. Shit, she had to bring it up tonight. She _needed_ for this to happen: Jess' face alone would be enough to keep away the nightmares.

* * *

...

* * *

"Why did they cook _you_ dinner?"

Lisette shrugged. "Dunno. It was nice; Esme's a talented chef."

Jacob looked extremely skeptical. "Sure," he said, drawing out the vowels. "I'll believe that when I see it. Did you say Bella was there before you? Is she friends with the Alice girl as well?"

Now that — that was a tricky question. The answer was simple and obvious, but this was Jacob asking. Jacob-who-had-a-crush-on-Bella-since-they-were-kids. Jacob who was the natural enemy of Edward and his vampireness. Edward was combustible, Jacob was an open flame. This could go incredibly wrong. Lisette needed to seriously consider whether the truth would be helpful, or make Jake feel even worse than his default.

In the end, the truth won out. It always did, and always would. Who liked lying? "She and Edward have this… thing going on."

Immediately, Jacob was scowling at her. "Isn't he, like, one-hundred years old?"

"Yyyyeah, he is. Kinda gross."

" _Really_ gross. I didn't think she'd be so stupid." He said poisonously. Lisette licked her ice cream and shot him a warning look; with a guilty expression on his face, he muttered an apology. "I didn't mean it like — she knows he's dead, right? And drinks blood? Does she not care that he's a monster?"

At that, Lisette said, "They're not monsters. And Bella knows. She's informed. She knows what she's getting into."

"Does she? How could she, you guys only moved here a couple of months ago!"

"And we've known about vampires pretty much the entire time," said Lisette, judgmentally, "Are you gonna be okay, little puppy dog?" He actually sneered at her for that. Jake was adorable. "It's Bella's choice if she wants to date him. From what I've seen, he treats her alright. We should be happy that she's happy."

"With a _leech_."

"We all have our kinks," Jacob's face went stricken. Lisette laughed and patted him on the back. "Chin up! Maybe she'll remember that she doesn't like the cold and come to the bright side. You still have a chance, Jake."

"You think so?"

"Well, no, but where would the world be without optimistic thinking?" Lisette smiled brightly, and chomped into her waffle cone. Jacob was mastering the art of glaring lasers at lesbians until they were nothing more than scorch marks on the ground. However, she was a bad bitch and he couldn't kill her that easily. "Anyway, how's your dad?"

Jacob said, "He's left the dishes from the past three days on the bench for you."

Today was Friday. They'd talked on Tuesday.

Lisette closed her eyes and wished for the sweet release of death. "Tell him I said 'thank you'."

He crossed his arms. "It's what you deserve. He's having guests on Saturday also, so you'll have to wash those dishes. Also, do you want to have dinner this weekend? This is me, inviting you."

"It sounds like I'll already be there."

"Yeah, _washing dishes._ " She slapped his shoulder. Like she needed reminding. "I'm sure Dad won't mind it if you're there for the actual eating portion. Some of the elders will be there too, so there will probably be some stories shared around the fire. If you _swear_ not to go telling outsiders, you could listen with the rest of us."

A warmth filled her chest. "Aw, Jake. Taking pity on the rude coloniser? I love you too. And I won't tell anyone, I swear — and like, I _mean_ it this time. I don't think your tribe's stories are going to make me feel unsafe in my own skin, so there shouldn't be a bursting need to spread the word, you know?"

"Is _that_ why you keep telling on everyone?" Jake said, baffled. Lisette nodded frantically. "You should definitely tell Dad that, because seriously; he won't let you listen if he thinks you'll tell the stories to others."

Well, clearly.

"I'll bring it up tomorrow. Thanks for the invite, Jake. I mean it." Jacob grinned at her, childish, charming, and with a lot of teeth; it was comforting, and Lisette had kind of missed that — being able to see someone's teeth and not immediately worry about the pristine state of her neck. Trust Jake to make her feel like this, honestly. She loved this brat.

With a laugh of her own, Lisette leaped to throw her arm around Jake's neck, dragging him into a hunched position so his head was low enough for optimal noogies. He indulged her for about half a second before throwing her off, the smile still on his face. Seriously, what a cute guy. " _Gross_ , Liz. You'll give me cooties."

"Eat a dick, there's nothing wrong with me having emotions for you."

"There _is_ , and I don't want you to show them to me anymore," said Jacob, very insincerely. And then he shrieked in completely genuine disgust when Lisette licked her palm and slapped it against his cheek. "LIZ _NO_!"

"Accept my feelings otherwise I'll fucking do it again do not think for a second that I will hesitate—"

" _DON'T_."

"You know, if your voice can still go that high it's no wonder Bella won't go out with you, you're still a little boy!"

"You know what? I change my mind." He had her in a chokehold like _that_ , dude moved so fast. Lisette was quaking. How the _fuck_ … "The feelings are mutual, so accept mine!"

After that, it was noogie-galore.

Also, Lisette threw Jacob into a bin. Which was funny all the way up until he dragged her in with him.

* * *

...

* * *

 **To:** Lisette Swan sparklesparkleprincess12349  
 **CC:**  
 **From:** Bella Swan  
 **Subject:** NOT COOL.

Did you tell Charlie that I'm dating Edward? (and for the record I'M NOT) because he just GROUNDED ME for being out after curfew "with a boy" without telling him where I'd be first. LIZZY. THAT'S NOT ALRIGHT.

AND TURN YOUR PHONE ON. I've sent you A LOT of angry txts and I need you to read them because I'M UPSET. Why would you tell him that! GROUNDED.

.

 **To:** Bella Swan  
 **CC:**  
 **From:** Lisette Swan  sparklesparkleprincess12349  
 **Subject:** re: NOT COOL.

since when have we emailed each other. also LOL XD! told him that cuz it's the truth everyone knows you 2 are dating at this point its embarrassing when u deny it.

we live a room across from each other so it's not hard to get a hold of me drama queen

p.s. do you know how to use italics? should try it out sometime. makes the email look _waaaaay_ cleaner (caps are so gross). phone's dead and i'm going to delete your messages as soon as it charges i won't even read them. how does _that_ make you feel, huh? TTYL xoxo

\- lisette


	6. Chapter 6

**Title:** to the monster who didn't succeed

 **Summary:** Accidentally stumbling upon the conclusion that the Cullen's were vampires was in all honesty, way too easy. Even if Lisette wasn't actually serious when she accused them of being vampires. Now the werewolves... [Gay girls ft. Mild Crack Elements.]

 **Rating:** T

 **Disclaimer:** Disclaimed.

 **Warnings:** Unedited. I accidentally did something to Rosalie's character that I have yet to understand. Like, what did I do? Why did I do it? This is your ONLY warning.

 **Notes:** Lisette lives for stirring shit and Bella has snapped bitch go hard

.

* * *

06.

 **to the monster who didn't succeed**

 _The One Where Liz Is Finally Put In Her Place_

…

* * *

 **T** he sky here was darker than anything Arizona had produced. It made the subsequent burst of light incredibly painful, leaving Lisette's helpless but to shriek and drop what she was holding. Nothing shattered, but she may have peed a little. Who would turn on the light like that? Without warning? What kind of _asshole_...

Lisette whipped around with her hands in the prime position for kicking ass. Luckily for the culprit, it was only a bleary-eyed Bella — no asses were being schooled today. Not that Bella wouldn't deserve it. If she looked anything less like a puppy just waking up from a nap, she'd be knocked out right now. Truth.

The older Swan was scrubbing at her face. Lisette eyed her pajamas. (Those shorts looked eerily familiar...) "What are you doing at this time of the morning?"

"Eating eggs." To prove this, Lisette reached into the pot at her side — mostly strained of water and the proud container of half a dozen peeled hard-boiled eggs — and consumed a hefty chunk of her midnight snack.

After visibly scrambling for something to say about that, Bella settled for staring into the abyss (the pot). She seemed too tired to muster up a sensible reaction. "Any reason for it?"

"I'm contemplating the unceasing flow of time." Lisette replied. She stuffed the rest of the egg in her mouth. "I have salt. Do you want one?"

"Not hungry," Bella walked over anyway, slumping into Lisette's side. Her chin found a harbour on Lisette's shoulder. "Why are you contemplating the unc… uncease… you know what I'm trying to say."

"Seemed like the thing to do. I couldn't sleep. Why are you awake?"

"Heard noise. Came to check you were okay."

Having some idea of what kind of noises Bella had heard, Lisette presented her right hand for gawking at. The tips of her fingers were pink welts, a product of when she went to grab an egg to peel without pouring out a single milliliter of hot water beforehand. Obviously, it resulted in screaming. No wonder Bella had woken up. Lisette was surprised _Charlie_ hadn't tumbled down stairs, armed and dangerous.

Bella grabbed her hand and brought it closer to her face. She was blinking a lot. It was entirely likely she was trying not to fall asleep, and not because she didn't recognise Lisette's hand. Hopefully it wasn't the last part. Lisette's hand looked a lot like Bella's hand, after all. "You're such an idiot," Bella concluded expertly. "How do you injure yourself making boiled eggs?"

"It's really not that difficult," said Lisette, twinkling her still-stinging fingers. A split-second of bad judgement, and she was now incapable of picking up anything with her right hand. "Easy mistake to make. I'm not the first and I won't be the last. Go back to sleep."

" _You_ go back to sleep," Bella relinquished her weight from Lisette's fragile body, slouching her way over to the coffeemaker, which began to do exactly as its name suggested after a few buttons were pressed. "Don't you have to clean Charlie's cruiser today? And Billy's house?"

"Yeah. Gonna die. But it's cool."

Bella was not sympathetic. "I'd give you advice on how to suck less, but I've been doing that for sixteen years and not one word has penetrated your thick skull. I've given up."

Lisette said, "Not a good enough reason to use the word 'penetrate,' babe. How come you can't say 'unceasing' but 'penetrate' is on the table? Where is your mind at right now?"

The older twin turned, and for a brief, shining moment, there was a glimpse of defensive anger all over her face. This would have been delightful, as an angry Bella was the equivalent of a disgruntled kitten who didn't know how to use their claws. But then the emotion fell through into the void, Bella being too tired to sustain it. More's the pity.

Sighing, Bella silenced the beeping coffeemaker. "Don't."

"Nope. Tell me about Edward."

"Would really rather not."

Lisette ate an egg without any salt to season it. Power move. "Are you two dating?"

"We're just friends, Lizzy. Back off."

"You're blushing."

Bella's eyes widened, and she nearly dropped her mug in her haste to pat her cheeks. "Am I?"

"You weren't," said Lisette, ignoring the glare she received for it, "but now you are. That has to mean something. I'm sure it means something. Since when have you been into Edward? Is this a hate-boner thing? Slow burn, enemies to friends to lovers, et cetera?"

"Life isn't Mulder/Scully fanfiction." Bella said acidly. "I'm not — it actually isn't any of your business."

"Lie. Your love life is always my business. We live vicariously through each other, and since _my_ love life is currently in the middle of being ruthlessly waterboarded by this shitty town…" Lisette gestured expansively to Bella. "Obi Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope."

"I didn't even watch Star Wars."

A poor attempt to divert Lisette's attention. She continued bravely: "I get the feeling that if you froze a dildo, that would kind of prep you for your sexual experience — _oh my god what_ —"

Bella had sprinted forward with the velocity of a charging rhino to slam her hand over Lisette's mouth. Her entire face was brighter than the red light Lisette had ran the other day; if she could steam out of her ears, she damn well would be. " _Super hearing,_ " She hissed. " _Lizzy they have super hearing oh my god please shut up_ —"

From behind Bella's clammy hand, Lisette asked, interested, "Does it go _this_ far?"

" _Yes._ "

"You think if I ask them to text me something they'd do it?"

"I don't know! Maybe! They might not be listening in so—"

An ominous beep interrupted her.

There was a heavy moment of tense silence. Then: " _Lizzy_ , _no._ "

Uhhh, Lizzy, _yes._

Lisette pulled out her phone. Right there on the screen: **You have one (1) new message! (2:52 AM)** Bella's eyes were all but tearing up in horror. The number was unsaved, but it was the same person who had messaged Lisette that fateful day in the cafeteria: right before she'd gone to Jacob's and nearly destroyed all of Forks in a supernatural showdown.

Luckily for Forks, she had used her big fat brain to think her way out of mutually-assured destruction. Unfortunately for the rest of the world, no one had been hurt, and the town lived on eternal.

Before Lisette could open the thread, Bella had snatched the phone and thrown it into the pot full of boiled eggs with the wrath of god.

There was a soft splashing sound.

Bella's eyes widened further. "Did you… did you not strain the water properly? Lizzy, why would you not release all of the water—"

"I like the eggs slippery," Lisette dully responded. The light had gone from her eyes. "You bitch. I can't believe you. My eggs are going to taste like battery acid and betrayal. You shouldn't have woken up."

The phone beeped to forewarn them of another message. Following that, the saddest buzz Lisette had ever fucking heard, and some static sound that was the equivalent of a death gurgle. Things were deafeningly silent afterwards. Bella's hands were over her mouth, guilty of a crime she didn't think through.

Lisette bowed her head. The unspeakable act had injected dread to the deepest pit of her stomach, sending ice through her veins. She was disgusted with the world. Why was life so unfair, so cruel, so unforgiving towards those most undeserving of it?

Depressed, she muttered: "I'm a key witness to your very first murder. Congratulations, criminal. Washington has the death penalty; I hope you're hanged for this."

"I am… so sorry, Lizzy. I didn't mean..."

"Save it. I don't want to hear your feeble apologies. In a situation like this, words heal _nothing_." Lisette fished her phone out from the pot. It was a flip phone, so the screen was dry. That was useless considering the battery was soaked through. There was egg in the keyboard. "My sim card… I literally did nothing to deserve this."

Bella flushed. "You shouldn't have pushed me."

"Is that your defense against _murder_?" Lisette waved her phone in front of Bella's face. Her sister winced, and took a liberal slurp of her coffee to stall. "If you hadn't been such a prude, none of this would have happened! I just wanted to know if sex with Edward was the equivalent of shoving a popsicle up your—"

As it turned out, Bella was more than willing to tackle Lisette to the kitchen floor if it meant shutting her up. Two felonies in one night; she was on a roll. At least _this_ time, when Lisette screamed bloody murder, her father came stomping out the room with a fully-loaded shotgun and a desire to fuck shit up.

* * *

...

* * *

Charlie rubbed soothing circles on her back. "Chin up, kiddo. The car looks great."

Lisette pursed her lips; the car _did_ look great, the expected product of her hard-work. The sleeves of her shirt and hem of her jeans were soaked through, and her forehead was covered in greasy soap suds. It didn't make her look pretty, to say the least of it. Her face was probably bright red from working in the cold too.

She'd been furiously cleaning this car since Bella was pulled off of her this morning. If the car hadn't come out looking like the God of Cleanliness itself had shit the damn thing out, Lisette would have been driven to homicide. But gayer. (Homocide?) "Thanks."

"Still upset about your phone?" Charlie asked, putting his keen mind to the task. Lisette side-eyed him. It was pretty obvious. "Look, I'll buy you a new one. How's that sound?"

It was tempting. However… "Nope." Lisette rolled her sleeves up properly. The scrunched way they were pushed up was irritating her skin, which was in turn pissing her off. "You already lended me like fifty bucks the other day. A new phone is too expensive."

"You can't go around without a phone," Charlie frowned. "You're my kid. I need to know where you are at all times."

"I can look after myself."

"I'm not saying you can't, but you know how work has been lately… after Phil… I don't want to risk it. Let me buy you a phone." As solid of an argument as that was, Lisette still hesitated. "You can work it off if that will make you feel better."

It would, but that was its own problem. "Forks isn't offering too many jobs, Dad."

"Keep looking, you'll find one eventually. Just keep searching. Pay me back when you can."

Lisette wasn't entirely convinced, but couldn't see a way around it. The animal attacks had already killed one of her dad's friends. She knew how he was right now — and considering what she knew about the town's superhuman infestation, _she_ didn't want to be without a phone anymore than her dad did. "...Alright, get me the cheapest one or something. I gotta get to Billy's house."

"Want me to drop you off?"

Lisette almost declined. But Bella wasn't gonna and Lisette legally couldn't drive, and figured attempting to do so in front of the Sheriff wasn't going to garner happy results. Even if the Sheriff was her father and she was the golden child. "Sure, that'd be nice."

The ride to the Reserve was mellow; Charlie wasn't a magnificent conversationalist. Plus, he was kind of tired from waking up at three in the morning to find his twin daughters recreating a low-budget Wrestlemania on his kitchen floor. That would exhaust any divorced father of two, let alone one as awkward as Charlie Swan.

Lisette smacked a kiss on his cheek when they arrived. He cringed. "Thanks-bye-love-you-drive-safe!"

She jumped out the car. Stumbled a couple meters after tripping on a rock. Threw a wave over her shoulder. Then continued on safely towards the front door, where she began to knock loudly and incessantly. "JAAAAAAKE!"

The door opened. The wooden one. The screen door continued to stay locked. The person at the door was _not_ Jacob Black or his father. It was another long-haired kid, this one Lisette had never met before. "Looking for Jake?"

"Is that a trick question?" Lisette responded. "I'm Lisette. Who're you?"

"Embry Call. Lisette? Are you the maid Billy hired?" The door was unlocked and opened. Did he call her what she thought he called her? "Come on in, it's a mess in here."

Exactly what Lisette wanted to hear. "Fucking great. Flipping great. How old are you, do I need to censor myself?"

" _I'm_ fifteen, so no," He said. Lisette heard a 'yes'. Fifteen. Wow. "There are going to be kids here… maybe to be safe you should cut out the swearing. Nice to meet you, by the way. Don't see many of your type around here."

"What, white?"

Unashamed, Embry said, "Yup. You know most of Forks thinks they'll be cursed if they cross into the Reserve? White people love believing in curses. Keeps us safe, so no one's hurt. Cool, right?"

Lisette believed him. "Yeah, I know. Billy got me with that one when I was a kid. I won't be fooled again."

"You probably deserved it," said the brat, annoyingly correct on his assumption. "Anyway, I'll show you to the kitchen and leave you to it. Tip: you might wanna work fast. The ladies are going to be here around 4 to start cooking and they'll need the kitchen."

"It's 12," said Lisette, squinting. "I have plenty of time."

Embry lead her to the kitchen that she did not need an escort to, given that this house had come up as many times as Charlie's house in her childhood memories. Second home, second family, no map required. He grabbed her shoulder, as if she was going to run away, and pointed to the sink.

The dishes were stacked in the sink, on the counter surrounding that with some still left scattered on the dining table and coffee table in the living room. There was a stink attached to the older dishes — shit was _ripe_. Lisette gagged a little. Embry smiled until his crooked canine tooth was on show. "Trust me, you're going to use all four of those hours. Good luck!"

Lisette scowled, rolling up her sleeves. "Flip off, Embry."

Embry laughed and skedaddled outside. She heard some voices coming from that direction — Billy and Jacob must have been entertaining in the backyard, hence why a familiar face didn't answer the door. Whatever, she didn't have time to dwell on it.

She started on the dishes.

* * *

...

* * *

After she'd cleared the garbage in the sink enough for her to fill it with scalding water, Jacob had entered, giggling, in search of a glass of water. Luckily for him, there actually was one waiting for him. "Thank God, I've been drinking out of my hands all week," were his exact words when he spotted her.

"What the fuck?"

"I'm kidding," He said. He didn't sound like he was kidding. He commandeered her faucet so he could hydrate himself. Lisette considered nailing him in the shin for it — she did not want to see him right now. His family was _dead_ to her. Her fingers were so god damn pruney. "How long have you been here?"

"Like, half an hour. Can you tell your dad that he sucks?"

"Sure." He watched her scrub at a pot with steel wool. "I burned that pot."

Of fucking course he did. "I _hate you so much_."

He shrugged, not particularly bothered. "I've been texting you. Dad said 'no' to you sitting in on the stories, but he said you could eat some of the grub. As long as you finish in time. What's that on your face?"

With the end of his sleeve, he attempted to wipe at her cheek. Lisette jumped away from the touch, hissing. "Dude, don't touch. That's a bruise."

Jake's eyes widened. "Whoa, who gave it to you? I need to give them a high-five."

"Fuck you. It was Bella. You're both assholes."

It surprised him enough that his smile went away. He stared, and Lisette braced herself for his concern. The reason behind why the fight started was not only lame, but rightfully painted her as the villain, and she just didn't even want to get into it. Besides, the bruise was an accident and Bella looked horrified when she realised the tackle to the floor had resulted in an actual physical injury (doofus; of course it did).

But Lisette had forgotten who Jacob was for a second: an Isabella Marie Swan's biggest fan first, werewolf second, human third.

"I bet you did something to provoke her," He declared with complete confidence. It was slightly offensive. "Here, lemme get some ice for it."

"I can't hold it to my face while I'm doing the dishes, Jake."

"I'll hold it," He rifled through the freezer for a bit, coming over with a bag of peas to do what he promised he would. The cold was admittedly really great against the burning spot on her face. "It'll help with the swelling."

Lisette declared the pot clean and put it on the rack for drying. She'd get to it. "What do you know about being punched in the face?"

Jacob laughed. "You joking? Why do you think I'm home-schooled?"

"Wait, were you bullied?"

He shrugged. "I guess. Anyway, cold stuff helps with the swelling. I bet if you went out looking like this and asked Dad if you could listen to the stories, he'd say yes. You look pathetic enough."

"Nah, I'll be happy he's feeding me and not push for more," It made Jacob grin. Lisette had the feeling she'd picked the right option, somehow. "Should I be running over some jerks for you?"

"In what car? I know Charlie dropped you off. I didn't see the truck in the driveway, and I'm not letting you use my bike to do illegal shit."

"Pussy. You're not even old enough to ride your bike. Let me do it."

"Because it wouldn't be illegal if _you_ did it," said Jacob, dry. "Want me to dry them?"

'Them' would be his kind way of referring to the mountain of porcelain stacking up to the right of the sink. "I need you holding that bag of heaven to my face, don't you dare move, I'll be forced to murder you. One more crime to add to the collective criminal record of the Swan family."

As it wasn't too bad of a deal, Jacob didn't even attempt to argue further. He did, however, pursue the last part of what she said. " _Collective_ criminal record? What crime has Bella committed?"

"I'm glad you asked," Lisette chirped, before proceeding to go after Bella's entire life.

Extremely cathartic.

* * *

...

* * *

Angela smelled really nice. Was that jasmine? Frangipani? It was definitely some sort of flower, not cliche or tacky. Not a rose, definitely not rosy, Lisette's nose hated roses. Her nose liked the smell of apple fragrances, but that was a distinctive scent that could not be confused with a flower. Daisies?

Whatever it was, it was Lisette's new favorite smell in the entire world. Even better than Arizona beach salt water. It was a subtle fragrance, kind of suited Angela. Because Angela was drop-dead gorgeous but no one around Lisette seemed to notice that (super weird by the way)? It was pretty. Angela was pretty. That kind of stuff went hand-in-hand.

No homo.

Had she done something to her hair today? It looked softer than usual. Maybe she'd tied it up differently — Lisette couldn't tell from this angle, she should probably get up to confirm, it was going to bother her for the rest of the night if she didn't —

A pencil stabbed into the back of her hand. "Ouch!" She jumped, eyes darting around the room to find the one who'd done it. The searching was unnecessary. The person was right in front of her, decked out in tight-fitting jeans, a silky-looking pink shirt, and heels.

Holy shit.

" _Rosalie_?" The blonde Goddess looked like she wanted nothing more than to be wherever Lisette _wasn't_. Which did nothing to explain _why she was here._ "What are you doing here?"

"Despite Alice's ardent promises that you wouldn't, some members of the family were concerned that you would use your position as a member of the school newspaper to… reveal certain truths that you are not permitted to reveal. I was elected to keep an eye on you. Make sure that hole on your face remembers to keep itself shut."

It was all said through gritted teeth.

Lisette tilted her head. "When you say 'some members' do you mean yourself?" Rosalie's glare made her hair stand on end. But Lisette didn't know when to shut up and wasn't about to learn right that second. "I feel like you were elected as punishment for being paranoid. Was it Alice?"

"Esme," said Rosalie. She crossed her arms. "Move over."

"...Why."

"Because I'm going to sit next to you and make sure you aren't doing anything suspicious. Move. _over_."

Lisette made room beside her, but only because Rosalie would take her out back and eat her if she didn't. Like, what else was she gonna do? Vampires. "I can't believe you're babysitting me because of your own fuck-up. Self-diss. I'm not going to do anything suspicious, you know."

"Excuse me if I don't have faith in your secret-keeping abilities," Rosalie said coldly. She was staring at Angela; at the front of the classroom their club booked, in deep conversation with Hayden Fletcher, the resident photographer. "Is that the girl you're slobbering over?"

Lisette frowned. "Why do you sound so judgemental about it? Angela's beautiful. More people should appreciate it."

"It's disgusting. You're not even being subtle about it."

"Yeah, well…" There was nothing for Lisette to say about that. She crossed her arms and leaned back in her seat. Under the table, her foot was tapping out her best approximation of that tune that played whenever that monkey with the cymbals showed up. What was that called? Was it a song? "I'll tone it down."

Rosalie looked at her. "You'll what?"

"Don't sound so shocked," Lisette wrinkled her nose. "I don't… if it's making Angela uncomfortable, I'll cut it out. I don't wanna be… whatever." She shrugged. It wasn't something she knew how to explain to a straight woman. "ANYWAY, do you know anything about journalism?"

"I know the integrity of the profession has all but disappeared into the ether," Rosalie replied, scathing as usual. "It has not aged well."

"Not everything is a v—" Lisette stopped herself just in time. Rosalie was staring at her murderously. "Well, you know. Not everything is _you_. Journalism is fine."

"It's celebrity garbage." Rosalie said flatly. "There are important things to report on. Climate change. Disease, famine, drought, and pestilence in underdeveloped countries. The continued police brutality against minorities in America without even analyzing crime rates in other countries. The state of the economy. Declining graduation rates due to a poor education system—"

Whoa.

 _Whoa._

"Holy shit, you were serious," She interrupted, amazed. "You're, like, actually into this stuff. Why the hell are you into this stuff?"

"Let me guess: you thought I was just a pretty face. Nothing goes on in my head? Typical," Rosalie spat, rolling her eyes. "Humans are idiots. I'm attuned to the specifics of their idiocy. Deforestation is killing the Earth, and I'm not supposed to notice? I don't even _breathe_ and I can tell the quality of air is changing."

This was… beautiful. It was a phenomenon. Lisette was speechless.

Except she totally wasn't. "Why _aren't_ you a journalist?!"

"I already said why. The integrity of the profession isn't what it used to be. No one's interested in _news_ , they're interested in celebrities. Ignorant sheep." Rosalie sounded genuinely frustrated about it. Lisette did not see this coming. "I won't waste my time educating a world that doesn't want to learn."

Lisette stared. Rosalie was impossibly more attractive. It wasn't supposed to be possible because her Gift was literally that she was really pretty, but — she was more than that. And it really… it was a chocolate fudge sundae that had surprise chocolate at the bottom when you thought there was no more left. This was exactly that.

Lisette pulled over her pamphlet and opened to a bookmarked page. She jabbed her finger at the title, 'LYREDALE JUNIOR JOURNALISM PRIZE, FOR YOUTHS INTERESTED IN BEING HEARD!' Rosalie read it, eyebrows raised in dubious disinterest.

Alright, Swan. You only have one shot, one opportunity, to seize everything you ever wanted in one moment. Are you going to capture it, or let it slip?

"There's this competition coming up, we have to investigate a contemporary issue of our choice and write a piece on it. Collaboration. It'll be submitted, there's a cash prize, and the winning pair are given an opportunity to send their work to a legitimate publication of their choice. If they like it, they might—"

Rosalie went rigid. "No."

" _Rosalie_ ," Lisette showed her the pamphlet. It was pretty legitimate. For once, she wasn't making this up. "Absolutely no one in this school thinks they can do it, but they're Forks-born losers who have no motivation to exceed. Neither of us were born in this town. _We could do it_. You have the passion, it's possible!"

"And what do _you_ have?"

"I also have passion! If we win, it puts Forks on the journalistic map, and Angela will notice me as someone who isn't just Bella's weird twin sister! If you think that isn't enough motivation then you're a fool!"

Her eyes narrowed. "I'm a _what_."

Probably better to just ignore that. Lisette carried on, buoyed by her excitement. "Listen, you don't have to put your real name down, but if your piece is good enough maybe a serious publication with integrity will see it! Come on, Hale, what have you got to lose?"

The vampire looked lost in thought, in the possibility of it. Lisette had painted a really shitty picture, but so had Picasso, and he'd done pretty well for himself. Dude had literally put a nose on someone's forehead and everyone applauded and went, 'Holy shit man, you're completely shaken the world of art, we don't know what to do with this information.' If Picasso could do it, why couldn't Lisette?

Rosalie scrutinized the pamphlet closer. "If you think for a moment that I'd be roped into some convoluted plan of yours to seduce the Weber girl…"

"I'll pull my own weight," Lisette defended herself. She was great at researching, thanks to her ability to hyperfocus. Unfortunately, when she wasn't hyperfocusing, she was being distracted. ADHD was a double-edged sword in regards to education. "You won't be doing it alone."

"Considering who you are, I'd probably prefer doing it by myself."

"Does that mean you'll do it?"

After a lengthy, thoughtful pause wherein Lisette's hopes had the opportunity to truly soar, the vampire dropped the pamphlet and scoffed. "No. I'm here to make sure you don't ruin my family, _not_ to pretend I'm a pimply-faced high schooler. Nice try. Die lonely."

Lisette slammed her head against her desk. "UUUGGGHHHHH!"

Rosalie let her do it for a few gracious seconds. Eventually, she grew irritated enough to pull Lisette up by the collar of her shirt. "By the way, after your conversation on Saturday, Edward hasn't been able to look any of us in the eye. Just wanted to say — thanks for that."

Lisette fucking _choked._

"You," she wheezed, "are _so welcome._ "

Poor Isabella Swan.


	7. Chapter 7

**Title:** to the monster who didn't succeed

 **Summary:** Accidentally stumbling upon the conclusion that the Cullen's were vampires was in all honesty, way too easy. Even if Lisette wasn't actually serious when she accused them of being vampires. Now the _werewolves_...

 **Rating:** T

 **Disclaimer:** Disclaimed.

 **Notes:** I am tired of the first movie so let's speedrun through plot..

* * *

07.

 **to the monster who didn't succeed**

 _The One Where Liz Sees Things From A Minor Character's POV_

…

* * *

 **"B** ells, do you know — stop screaming, it's me — do you know where my petticoat is? The yellow one with the rose embroidered on it? It isn't in my wardrobe."

" _Let go of the curtain_! Did you check the laundry basket?!"

"I have, it isn't there,"

"Then look through my room," Bella hissed, desiring death. The embarrassment, while understandable, didn't have much of a leg to stand on. In her opinion, there was nothing her twin sister possessed that Lisette didn't see every time she showered. "Or would you consider that an invasion of privacy?"

"Cute," she simpered, rolling her eyes. "You need to shave, by the way. Looking kind of untidy. Don't think Edward likes… you know..."

Bella's face flushed something terrible, and she started fumbling for something solid to throw; Lisette took this as her sign to scurry out of the room. "GET OUT!" A half-empty bottle of shampoo smacked the back of her head. It did nothing to stop her giggles. "I'M TELLING CHARLIE!"

Please! As if she would stick around long enough to get in trouble.

"Good luck with that! And have fun with the Cullens today!" She shouted, already digging through Bella's clothes in search of her… aha, perfect! Her rat of a sister had been stealing her clothes again, but that was fair, 'cause half of the clothes in Lisette's drawers were Bella's crappy jeans.

"Are you sure you don't wanna come? Edward doesn't mind."

"Nope, going to the movies!"

The petticoat paired nicely with the dress and tights she was wearing. The young lady couldn't resist a few twirls in front of the mirror. Sweet-but-cozy was the concept. She was kind of pulling it off, although it was weird to not be wearing a heavy scarf.

"Resist the temptation," Lisette whispered, eyeing her favourite woollen heap of fabric, draped over the headboard of her bed. It looked so _warm._ "It'll ruin the outfit. And it's maroon. Angela would hate it."

That's right. Angela was an artistic person. If Lisette showed up wearing a maroon scarf, the girl would hate her on sight. Any partner of Angela's had to know the basics of color theory, it was the standard.

Resolve strengthened, Lisette slipped on her shoes, slapped a sticky note on the fridge for her father, and began her walk to the movie theatre. Thankfully, Charlie didn't live too far from the town centre.

Good ol' Sheriff. Close to the action as possible. Though she had a feeling it was really because Charlie just wanted to be closer to the diner that made his favorite steak.

The sky darkened with storm clouds when Lisette was halfway to her destination, and it was thundering when she arrived, her iPod blasting music in her ears. Angela, Jessica, and Eric were waiting outside: the latter saw her first, and waved excitedly. "Lisette! You made it!"

"Yo, you guys been waiting long?"

"Jess and I just got here. I don't know about Angie."

"Ten minutes or so," She said, bashfully tucking hair behind her ear. She was wearing Lisette's favorite emerald studs, the ones that brought out her eyes. "All that's left in Mike. You look, uh, good. Lisette."

Lisette grinned. "Yeah?"

"Uh, the coat, it looks nice with the, with your — a-are you wearing makeup?"

"A little, why?"

"I didn't realize —"

"You _do_ look super cute," Jessica butted in, eyeing Lisette critically. She was begrudgingly not disgusted by what she saw. "Why don't you dress like this at school? It's looks hot!"

"It's just school," She replied, and pinched at the tights. "Plus, I don't have many of these in my closet, and it's too cold in this town to go without."

"So you show up in sweatpants," Jessica said, dry. She shook her head. "I still can't believe you did that. I was so embarrassed."

Eric threw his arm around her shoulder. "Don't be such a snob, Jess," He winked at Lisette, who pressed her hands to her chest and swooned. "The sweatpants were a smart move. Not against dress code, either! Wonder if I can get away with it too? You think I could?"

"Absolutely not," Jessica gasped, but Angela and Lisette were nodding. "Girls, no! Don't enable this behavior!"

"I'm a trendsetter," Lisette said in approval. "Please wear your pajamas to school on Monday. It would make my week. Not because it's funny or anything, I just wanna see Jessica's face when you show up to pre-calc wearing a full Pikachu ensemble."

"It's a Squirtle set, actually," corrected Eric. "I have matching slippers."

Jessica paled. "I'm going to be sick."

Angela rubbed her back. "It's not that bad. I think he'll look cute in them," The boy waggled his eyebrows, causing Angela to turn a deep red color. "N-Not that you're cute — well, you _are_ — but I, I didn't mean it like… oh, sheesh…"

"Squirtle ensemble it is," Eric said grandly, with a funny smile on his face. It was not Lisette's favorite smile to see on him. Mostly because she recognized the look as something she often wore; she had a feeling the cause was the same, too.

(… Competition, huh?)

"Thanks, Angela."

"No, uh, no problem."

Before Lisette could get it into her head to step in, Mike finally arrived as if he was sent from the Gods of Cockblocking, dressed in his stupid jock jacket and some washed out jeans. "Hey guys! You ready to go in?"

'If there's one benefit to Mike,' thought Lisette, watching carefully as Eric and Angela stopped romantically staring into each other's eyes, 'it's that he has spectacular timing.'

Eric cupped his hands around his mouth, "Just waiting on you, bro!"

"I'm not late, am I?"

"No," Jessica said sweetly, tossing her hair out of her face when Mike finally came to a stop before them. He hunched over to catch his breath, and Jessica leapt at the chance to rub his back. "You're right on time. Do you need a drink? I have a bottle in my bag…"

"I'm fine," He shrugged off her hand, eyes going straight to Lisette. He almost looked confused. "Lisette? Why do you look cute?"

"It's my powerful lesbian energy," Lisette replied. "What kind of quarterback is out of breath because of a little jog? You should be ashamed of yourself, dude."

"Ha-ha. Where's Bella?" He peeked over her shoulder, ignorant to the sudden flattening of Jessica's pleasant features. Boys.

"I'm not hiding her if that's what you're asking,"

"She didn't come?" Mike sighed. She might as well have kicked his puppy. "I guess she's still dating that mystery guy. Is she with him?"

Lisette went to tell him how it was none of his business when Jessica cleared her throat. "If she isn't here, then she isn't here. Bella's too good for us, anyway, don't you remember? Forget about her. Let's get inside and escape this chilly weather. I'm freezing!"

"Should have worn a coat," said Lisette, eyebrow arched, very aware of the game Jessica was playing, and none too impressed that it involved throwing her sister under the bus. "You didn't check to see if it would be cold tonight?"

"Of course I did, but I didn't think it'd be this bad!"

"Drat. Can't have that. Eric, would you mind giving Jess here your coat?"

"Oh, he doesn't have to," Jessica spluttered, sending subtle glances to Mike, who was ignoring the commotion to read the movie listings on the board. "He'll be cold,"

"No, no, it's not an issue. Here," Eric muttered, relocating his valuables to his pants before shrugging off his canvas jacket. Jessica watched him do it like her world was ending. She accepted the article of clothing sullenly, putting it on like it was a bomb. "Warm?"

"... Toasty," Jessica mumbled.

Lisette couldn't help feeling a bit smug over it. 'Bella's too good for us,' her ass. Sure, it was true — Bella was the best — but that didn't mean Jessica needed to sound so snide about it. Especially if she was doing it to hook up with a meat-head like Mike. Come _on_. Have some standards.

Pleased, Lisette snuck a glance at Angela — only to find, rather electrifyingly, that the girl was already looking at her, looking far too amused. Lisette gave her cheekiest, most shit-eating smile, allowing the triumph thrumming through her veins to shine through. Angela shook her head, turning away in exasperation; but she was chuckling. That was approval.

Lisette followed the group into the cinema, but couldn't shake the fuzzy restlessness from her bones. Didn't really want to.

Heh. Take _that_ , Eric.

* * *

...

* * *

Lisette arrived home just before it turned dark. Charlie was sitting on the couch with the television playing reruns of last Sunday's game, but he was actually doing paperwork on the coffee table. He didn't look up when Lisette closed the door behind her.

"Hey, papa bear. Bell still out?"

"Yeah, if you can believe it," Charlie murmured. "Didn't realize she liked baseball this much."

At that, they shared a laugh. As if. Bella hated baseball; she _adored_ Edward, and that alone would keep her participating in athletics till sundown. She was adorable. "Classic," Lisette wheezed.

"How was the movie?"

"Good."

" _Good_ good or just good?"

"I wasn't paying much attention," Lisette admitted. There wasn't enough action to keep her mind anchored. She ended up composing a mental essay debating communism versus capitalism. In the end, socialism won.

Charlie didn't seem surprised. "Could you check the oven? I put on pork roast a few hours ago, should be just about done."

Lisette checked the oven. The pork roast _was_ just about done. "Half an hour longer," she estimated with no idea of what she was saying. Bella and Charlie cooked; she praised their efforts and texted her mom about how much she missed her casserole. It was a system.

Lisette's phone pinged excitedly. "Your girlfriend?" Charlie asked immediately, and Lisette shushed him good-naturedly. It was Bella. **Whoops** , it said.

Lisette barely finished her **'?'** when Bella messaged again: **Pissed off a vampire. Need to get out of town. I need to make you and Charlie seem less tasty so PLEASE don't hate me!**

 **dude are you fucking kidding me and also what the FUCK do you mean u pissed off a vampire? rose?**

 **I don't have time to explain. I will be home soon and Edward says we are definitely being followed.**

 **uhhh u have time to text u have time to explain. who is this vamp.**

 **James. He wants to eat me? And he will go through you guys to do it. I'm leaving tonight to go to Seattle while the Cullens deal with it.**

Lisette wasn't sure what to… do. She stared blankly at her flip phone and mustered up some panic. More confusion, though. Jesus Christ she didn't get what was happening and Bella was _not explaining._

Charlie called out to her. "You alright?"

"Uhhh," Lisette hummed. "Something happened with Bells?"

Charlie was up in an instant. Great guy. Appropriate response. "What? Was it that boy? Did he hurt her?"

 _Doesn't know about vampires_ , Lisette reminded herself fiercely. She would be eaten if she told the truth. She couldn't tell the truth-not that she even knew what that constituted. **bella?**

 **Vampires behind the recent murders and want to murder me IS THAT ENOUGH!**

 **how in the hell is that supposed to be enough**

 **Look just play along**

 **bella im honestly going to kick your ass if you ddont explain**

The truck skidded into the driveway with a screech of wheels. Charlie went from staring pleadingly at Lisette to guarding the door, Dad beard scowling and Dad arms crossed intimidatingly. Bella stomped up the porch, her yelling heard through the door:

"No, Edward! Stay away from me!"

Then, Edward's mellow voice, "Bella, please, you aren't think-"

"I said NO! Go away, Edward!"

"Bella-"

She threw the door open, narrowly missing Charlie. "What's wrong?" He asked, noting Bella's deathly pale complexion and the intermittent tremors going through her body. She was afraid, but to him it looked like barely restrained rage. "Bells, what-did he hurt you?"

" _No_ ," said Bella, aghast. "No! We just-we broke up."

"I thought you liked him?"

"Well, I don't anymore. I have to… I have to get away." Bella tromped upstairs, Charlie hot on her heels. "I need to-I can't be here anymore, Dad, I'm going home."

"You _are_ home."

"To Phoenix, Dad!"

"You can't-Bella, you can't drive to Arizona in… sleep on it, okay, if you still want to go in the morning I can call your mother-"

"I need to drive. I need to-to have the time to think about it-"

"Bella!"

Doors slammed. Lisette stood frozen in the kitchen as her sister and father continued yelling at each other, hand clenched around her new phone. A vampire followed Bella home, one interested in treating her like lobster pizza and other fancy cuisine. _He's listening,_ Lisette realized, too afraid to look out any windows in case she saw him… this 'James'.

Bella was trying to, what, revoke their Bait status? By storming in and confusing him and-she was echoing what Renee said when they divorced-Jesus _Christ_ she was breaking his heart. Bella had a packed bag and furiously red cheeks.

"Bella, I… come on, I-I just got you back."

Bella looked at her feet. Not at dad. Not at dad who was holding back tears. "Yeah. And, you know, if I don't leave now… I'll just be stuck here like mom."

Her words struck Charlie like a blow; he staggered, and Bella didn't waste time regretting her words, throwing open the door and running to the truck. Charlie stood stunned as they listened to the truck start and pull onto the road. He seemed as unsure of what to do as Lisette was.

Her phone pinged. **I'm so sorry I didn't mean it**

Lisette forced her numb fingers to type back, **Just get safe.** because everything else was too emotional for the situation (whatever it was). The Cullens would keep Bella safe: right now her dad needed her.

Quickly, she messaged her mother to let her know that Bella had disappeared and shuffled over to Charlie. She rested her hand on his shoulder. He was frowning at the door, mouth quivering.

"Dad?"

Charlie said, "Is she going to be _safe_?"

Lisette wasn't sure. "Dad, sit down."

He let himself be lead to the couch. He sat heavily, and didn't respond to anything else she said. He fiddled with his phone every now and then, but no talking. He was wracked with guilt and self-hatred.

Lisette had never been so furious in her life. Bella _would_ make up for this, she swore.

The pork roast burned that night. Obviously.

* * *

...

* * *

"Mom-"

"How could you let her disappear on you, Charlie! You were supposed to keep her safe. I wasn't asking for much-"

"Mom."

"You didn't listen to her, Renee, she didn't give me a choice!"

"A _choice_? You're her father! You shouldn't have let her leave! You could have stopped her!"

"Mom…"

"She said she _wasn't happy here!_ "

"So you let her run away? _God_ , Charlie. You didn't even follow her? Do you know where my daughter is?"

"There's an APB on her truck-"

"Oh my god, dad."

" _Jesus_."

"-I am doing what I can, Renee!"

"We-no. No! Listen to me Charles Swan: as soon as we find her, Bella is coming home. Do you hear me? She is coming to live with me and Phil in Jacksonville. You are not doing this to her again, Charlie. God. You _lost her._ "

"Yeah, well, she doesn't wanna be here anyway... I don't think you'll run into much argument."

" _Good_."

Charlie hung up. Lisette attempted her best smile. "Great communication, there."

He wasn't amused. He rubbed his forehead to soothe his headache. "Do you want to move back to Jacksonville with your sister?" He asked severely. "I know you don't like Forks either and I'd prefer…"

 _I don't leave like Bella did?_

"When we find her," Lisette said. "Ask me when we find her. Moving is the last thing on my mind at the moment."

Charlie nodded, eyes clenched shut. "I… I'll call the deputy, see if she's heard anything… You should-you should go to bed, kid. School tomorrow."

"Okay, dad," Lisette said gently. She patted his back. "You too, alright? I promise you Bella is just fine."

He shrugged her off and picked up the phone again, dialing the number for the station. Once he started talking to Deputy Jones, Lisette made her way to her bedroom.

And pulled out her phone.

" _Lizzy_!"

Thank _god._

"Alice, where-" Lisette stopped. The background noise was like she was standing next to a bonfire. It didn't stop her for long. "Where is my sister?"

" _She's-um-_ "

" _Alice, who is it?"_

 _"It's Lizzy, she wants to know where Bella is."_

Lisette ground her teeth harder. "Why isn't Bella telling me? Alice, where is she? Is she okay?"

" _I-yes. She is. She's alive, Lizzy, I promise she's alive_. _I admit it was a close call but Edward saved her, he and Carlisle are taking her to the hospital now."_

Lisette nearly screamed, "The what?!"

 _"Seattle Memorial, if you start to make your way over-"_

"Why is she in the hospital!"

 _"I'll explain why when you make it here!"_

"Alice-"

 _"Lizzy, I have to go. Just focus on getting here. She is fine, I promise, but she'll want to see you when she wakes up. I need to run. I'll see you soon!"_

"Alice!" She shouted, but Alice hung up on her. The yell alerted her father to her room, though, and he banged his way inside. She didn't lock her door. "Jesus Christ I hate them. Dad, Bella's in the hospital. In Seattle. I don't know why but that was just Alice, she said Carlisle was taking her there now."

"The _hospital_?" Charlie gawked. "Why is she there? How did… I thought… why are the Cullens with her?"

"I dunno! Let's drive over and figure it out!"

Razzled, Charlie fetched his jacket and keys. "You can call your mother this time," He ordered her, and Lisette didn't even mind it.

The drive from Forks to Seattle was three hours and forty minutes. It was going to be a long trip.


End file.
